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Writing Samples
Band 5

The amount of time spend on sport and exercise should be increased in schools in order to tackle the problem of overweight children. Do you think this is the best way to deal with the problem? What other solutions can you suggest?

#amount #time #sport #exercise #schools #children
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Nowadays, obesity has become
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a major problem for
children
 and some people may reckon that if we consider substantial amounts of time to
exercise
, it can be a viable solution.
However
, being plump can lead
serious
Change preposition
to serious
show examples
health
 problems
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 young people;
therefore
, we must search for the best solutions. In the modern era, unfortunately, there are numerous overweight
children
 all over the world who suffer from obesity and
this
 issue exposes them to several
health
 problems
such
 as high blood pressure, heart failure, diabetes and etcetera. According to the statistics,
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
 lifestyle has caused a sharp rise in the number of obese people especially
children
 and young individuals on account of wrong habits like consuming fast food in
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
large quantities
instead
 of cooking at home. What is the suitable approach to dealing with
this
 problem? In my opinion, we can purpose two fundamental approaches to manage
this
 problem: the
first
 is revising diet and the
second
 one is doing
exercise
.
Health
 experts should provide an appropriate schedule to schools and parents;
thus
, we can keep the weight of our
children
 under control and consider suitable measures for their
health
. I believe that
exercise
 will not be effective but with an appropriate diet; meanwhile, remember that these are
health
 experts that determine how much time you should
spent
Change the verb form
spend
show examples
 on sport. In conclusion,
besides
exercise
, we should suggest a suitable diet
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
 and their parents; needless to say, spending more time on
exercise
 doesn’t mean
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 result. Eventually, I can predict these approaches will reduce the risk of some obesity-relied disease
such
 as diabetes;
in addition
, the number of obese
children
 will decrease.
Submitted by nataly280480 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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