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Band 5

People should look after their health as a duty to the society where they live, rather than their own benefits. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #health #duty #society
These days,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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medicine has been developed because of
recent
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the recent
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advance
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advancement
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of
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in
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 technology.
This
 has made it possible for more people to live healthier and longer.
On the other hand
, it is
also
 true that more individuals live unhealthy because of diseases
that
is
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are
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 related to their idle life. In the following essay, I would argue whether individuals should stay healthy for
society
 or for their own advantages and state I tend to agree with the former.
First
 of all, if people in
society
 are not in good physical condition, it leads to other citizens’ lives more difficult.
For example
, in Japan, welfare accounts for the largest proportion of revenue and healthcare
is
Change the verb form
are
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 around 40% of the total.
This
 is a huge amount of money even now;
however
,
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 if people do not live well and the number of patients increases, the tax that the government has to spend will raise. As a consequence, the tax rates will be increased. If
this
 happens, the individuals need to pay more for tax and it will harm them economically. To sum up, the citizens should make an effort to maintain their well-being for
society
 members.
Second
 of all,
moreover
, taking care of one’s condition to benefit themselves is actually good for
community
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the community
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. If citizens are in good condition, it means that they can engage in work without problems.
Consequently
, the productivity of
labour
Correct article usage
the labour
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 force will increase and the social economy will run well.
Thus
, staying well for their own sake will ultimately benefit
society
 too. In my conclusion, I agree with the idea that healthy
life
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living
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 should be maintained for
community
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the community
a community
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 to not
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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deteriorate other members.
Furthermore
, even though they try to benefit themselves, it
also
 has
good
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a good
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 impact on
society
.
Submitted by dokmally2 on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • duty
  • well-being
  • burden
  • healthcare systems
  • productive
  • economy
  • example
  • empower
  • informed choices
What to do next:
Look at other essays: