IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people watch sports on tv than playing sports Is this a positive or negative development.

Preference
Correct article usage
The preference
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 to entertain themselves by watching
the
Correct article usage
apply
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sports
Use synonyms
 overweighing the trend of playing outdoors, nowadays. Individuals enjoy
games
Use synonyms
 on
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
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 rather than participating in those
sports
Use synonyms
, undoubtedly, it has a great negative impact on both
Use synonyms
country
Correct article usage
the country
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 and human beings, which I will discuss in the upcoming paragraphs. To commence with, enjoying
sports
Use synonyms
 on television
instead
Linking Words
 of playing by themselves has
plethora
Correct article usage
a plethora
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bad
Change preposition
of bad
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 effects on the
health
Use synonyms
 of the
persons
Fix the agreement mistake
person
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. Obesity is a serious
health
Use synonyms
 issue, which mainly
occurred
Wrong verb form
occurs
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due to
Linking Words
 lack of exercise, unfortunately, it spreading in the world at a high pace
due to
Linking Words
a
Correct article usage
apply
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decreased outdoor
games
Use synonyms
 and a sedentary lifestyle. There is no doubt,
increased
Correct word choice
that increased
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 weight in the form of stoutness leads to various other
health
Use synonyms
 problems as cardiovascular disorders,
also
Linking Words
 passed to the next generation through genes. A survey conducted in Delhi,
as
Change preposition
for
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
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instance, reveals that players who participated in
sports
Use synonyms
 are 48% less likely to suffer from hazardous diseases as compared to non-participants.
Hence
Linking Words
, the
people
Use synonyms
 who are becoming couch potatoes are on the edge of ample
health
Use synonyms
 ailments.
Moreover
Linking Words
, watching
sports
Use synonyms
 on television
instead
Linking Words
 of playing paved the way to suppress the talent of gifted
people
Use synonyms
 for
games
Use synonyms
. Lack of participation in outdoor
games
Use synonyms
 keeps them apart from flourishing their talent and it
also
Linking Words
 impacts the reputation of the
country
Use synonyms
 because of
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
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 good players who have to lead their
Use synonyms
country
Change noun form
country's
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sports
Use synonyms
 on the international level. For illustration, if there
is
Change the verb form
are
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 no
super
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
talent
Replace the word
talented
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 sportsmen in the typical
country
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
 it will be difficult for the
country
Use synonyms
 to get recognition over others. Ergo, it is inappropriate to just watch
sports
Use synonyms
 online
instead
Linking Words
 of playing.
To conclude
Linking Words
, it has a properly negative effect of depending upon the
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
 to
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
 rather than take part. So
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to join
games
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Your introduction presents the topic, but it could be clearer and more engaging. Try to paraphrase the question more effectively and state your opinion explicitly in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
Your argument structure could be improved. Ensure each paragraph clearly supports your thesis with relevant examples and explanations. Make sure to clearly link your ideas together.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences contain grammatical errors or awkward phrasing that disrupts the flow. Proofreading your work and simplifying complex sentences could enhance clarity.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples and statistics to support your claims, which adds credibility to your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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