Rich people are getting richer while poor people are getting poorer. Why is it happening ? What are its effects, and how it can be tackled ?

Income disparity between the affluent and non-affluent sections is increasing. An ineffective
education
system
is responsible for the same, and owing to it, the crime is increasing, while the innovations are decreasing.
Moreover
, approaches to revamping the
education
system
to mitigate
this
problem are discussed ahead. Most schools are not imparting financial knowledge. Teachers are making their job-ready and not teaching about saving money, taking financial risks and making an investment for bigger profits.
For instance
, the concept of assets and liabilities is not a part of the formal
education
system
till 11th grade.
Hence
, being unaware of effective money management techniques is making the poor even poorer. Lacking the right knowledge, poor people may indulge in some criminal activities. When they observe rich people enjoying luxuries, they could get lured by their lifestyle, and to be like them, some follow unfair means,
such
as involving in robberies or thefts thereby, leading to an unsafe society.
Further
Add a comma
,Further

It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase Further. Consider adding a comma.

show examples
it leads to, lesser discoveries. Had wealth been distributed uniformly among all, everyone would have got an equal opportunity to put forward their ideas at every platform;
however
, fewer people participating in decision-making results in the slow progress of the society.
Nevertheless
, the afore-mentioned adverse effects can be reforming the schools’ curriculum.
Firstly
, by having financial management topics in primary classes poor children can
also
acquire money management skills from the very beginning
; ,
Change the punctuation
;
,

The punctuation in ; , is incorrect. Consider changing the punctuation.

show examples
additionally
Add a comma
,additionally

It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase additionally. Consider adding a comma.

show examples
they could be taught trading as well as negotiation skills by conducting regular make and sell events. Resultantly, children from economically weaker sections would become capable of climbing the economic ladder. In conclusion,
this
essay has covered three aspects: the ineffective
system
of schools resulting in the wealth gap; rise in law-breaking
besides
fewer inventions from it; and ways to improve the
education
system
to bridge the economic gap.
Submitted by gsingla730 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Turn your IELTS writing into band 7+
Just type your IELTS essay and receive a clear, detailed report and band score in a moment.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Read more in the eBook

The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »

* free ebook for Premium users

What to do next:
Look at other essays:
Improve your writing score in 2 weeks
Get 60% discount and enjoy a quick and easy way to check IELTS Writing Task 1&2!