IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Nowadays, more and more older people who need employment compete with the younger people for the same jobs. What the reason for this problem? What are solutions?

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In contemporary society, has consistently been the topic of interest among the masses. An increasing number of individuals are discovering that more and more youths are competing with
elders
Use synonyms
 for the same positions.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the reasons for the phenomenon and provide some solutions.
It is clear that
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,
firstly
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, age groups need to prepare the amount of money for the rest of their lives.
However
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, the financial crisis and inflation make
people
Use synonyms
 have to pay more and more for identical products before. The feeling of placing more and more value on each coin makes ageing anxious and afraid of being unemployed.
Additionally
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, the pension and health insurance will not be increased by the
governments
Use synonyms
 in the short term,
therefore
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, the elderly are forced to prolong their retirement date.
Secondly
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, artificial intelligence and robots, nowadays, replace many job titles that used to be done by older
people
Use synonyms
, which means those
elders
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 become unemployed, suddenly, and are necessary to compete with youth in the job market.
Finally
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, there is evidence that being bored will double the risk of getting heart disease, being obese and feeling depressed.
Such
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 instances precisely explain the reasons why numerous older
people
Use synonyms
 still find jobs in workplaces against young adults. There are some solutions that might be useful for solving the problem.
Governments
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 and families should play a key role in solving
this
Linking Words
 problem. It is crucial for authority to control the inflation rate and maintain the cost of living in a reasonable range.
Also
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, the existing regulations on pensions need some appropriate alterations,
governments
Use synonyms
 should make
this
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 solution a priority. In order to prevent the elderly will suffering from the loneliness pandemic after retiring,
governments
Use synonyms
 and organizations can not only hold some activities,
such
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 as folk dancing, painting or singing, but
also
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 cooperate with local universities to open some basic programming courses. In
this
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 way, those boring
elders
Use synonyms
 could make new friends and share their daily lives with others.
Last
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 but not least, children of the elderly should take responsibility for taking care of their parents. Children should spend time chatting with their parents and giving reasonable money to appropriately support them. I believe if we can follow those suggestions, the number of older
people
Use synonyms
 in job-finding markets will decrease and the problem can gradually be solved. In conclusion, reflecting upon the statement that many
elders
Use synonyms
 are battling against young adults to find a job. the reasons are instopped inflation, immediate unemployment and feeling bored. Gone through serious consideration, my suggestions that the authority, family members and some organizations should take some actions are steadfastly consolidated and controvertibly firm.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates some level of coherence with a clear overall progression. However, ideas need to be more explicitly connected to each other through better use of linking words and phrases to achieve greater clarity.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, which is positive. However, the introduction could be more engaging and the conclusion more impactful by restating your position clearly and summarizing the key points discussed.
coherence cohesion
Your main points are supported, but they require further development. Provide more concrete examples and make clearer connections between your ideas and arguments. Simplify complex sentences if they obscure the meaning.
task achievement
Your essay responds to the task, but it only partially addresses the prompts. Develop your argument further to fully answer the questions posed and ensure that each paragraph relates closely to the task.
task achievement
You have some clear and comprehensive ideas, but at times they are clouded by complex expressions or a lack of detailed explanation. Aim to articulate your arguments more clearly and avoid overcomplicated language that doesn't add to the argument.
task achievement
The use of specific examples is limited, weakening your arguments. Incorporate more specific, detailed examples that are directly relevant to the points you are making to strengthen your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • aging population
  • workforce
  • employment
  • financial necessity
  • part-time positions
  • experience
  • mentorship programs
  • lifelong learning
  • entrepreneurship
  • job opportunities
  • self-employment
  • subsidies
  • tax incentives
  • retirement policies
  • diverse workplace
  • mutual respect
  • pension plans
  • skills
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