Advertisements of snacks and toys have a great impact on children and their parents. So advertisements to the children should be banned. Do you agree or disagree?

In
this
contemporary world,
people
see countless
advertisements
in a day.
A certain
Correct the article-noun agreement
Certain

The indefinite article A may not be required with the plural noun proportions in this sentence. Consider removing the article, or changing the noun to singular.

show examples
proportions of
people
opine that youngsters are likely to be affected by
commercials
in a negative way, and that should be banned for them. I strongly agree with
this
opinion because
advertisements
surely have major impacts and
obesity
among
children
caused by unhealthy diets is a serious problem.
To begin
with, the
first
reason why I support the issue is that
advertisements
have a great impact on
people
's decision. In general,
people
see
commercials
on a TV around 200 times a day according to research by an ad agency in 2014. All of these
advertisements
are made artfully and aim to sell goods and services to consumers. On top of that,
children
are unable to judge what the
commercials
aim to as well as
adult
Add an article
an adult

The noun phrase adult seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

show examples
do, since they do not have enough
discernments
Correct your spelling
discernment

The word discernments doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
.
In addition
to
this
, another reason why I support banning advertising for
children
is to prevent
obesity
among them. In fact, the number of
obesity
Replace the word
obese

The word obesity doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
children
has been increasing for
past
Correct article usage
the past

It seems that article use may be incorrect here.

show examples
several decades
,
Remove the comma
apply

It appears that you have an unnecessary comma in a compound predicate. Consider removing it.

show examples
and accounts for 120 million
people
in the world. One reason for
this
is an excessive advertisement of snacks for
children
.
For example
, in the UK about 48 per cent of TV
commercials
were related to snacks, and the
obesity
rate among British
children
will decline by 5 points if the broadcast stations stop
to broadcast
Change the verb form
broadcasting

To broadcast doesn’t seem to work here.

show examples
such
advertisements
. To conclude, I reiterate my complete agreement with the topic.
This
is because
advertisements
have huge impacts on
people
's lives and the making the
obesity
rate among youngsters better by improving their diets.
Submitted by maho.140126 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

The best new way to check your essay
Get 60% discount and enjoy a quick and easy way to check IELTS Writing Task 1&2!

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Read more in the eBook

The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »

* free ebook for Premium users

What to do next:
Look at other essays:
Need a higher score on IELTS Writing?
After you write your essay, you will be provided with tips with examples of how to make your essay better in order to get a score above 7.