IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Throughout the history, people have dream art of living in a perfect society, but they have not agreed on what an ideal society would be like. What do you think is the most important element of a perfect society in the modern world. How can people work towards achieving an ideal society?

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Most people in the modern world have a dream to live in an ideal society and lead a happy and meaningful life.
However
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, they do not have the same idea about what
the
Correct article usage
a
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 perfect society would look like. I personally think that there are three elements that can measure the perfection of a state in the modern world
such
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 as social value, proper framework and employment opportunity.
This
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 essay discusses these factors and the ways to achieve that ideal association followed by examples.
Firstly
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, social value and social bonding
is
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are
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 the most important
aspect
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aspects
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 of
a
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apply
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perfect development. A civilization where folks have strong
bonding
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bonds
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 and obey
the
Correct article usage
apply
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social norms
tend
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tends
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 to lead a better life. company is formed with many families. If the family members have a close relationship, they would form a better development. A perfect company must have a crowd with human quality and good social behaviours.
Secondly
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, having a good framework and business can be one of the requirements of a perfect civilization. The crowd need the framework and public business to fulfil their necessity.
For example
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, Melbourne
city
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City
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 has so many modern infrastructures
such
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 as public health
centre
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centres
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,
airport
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airports
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,
school
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schools
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, local government
office
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offices
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and
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apply
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etc. These services can lead to the population
pay
Wrong verb form
paying
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tax
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taxes
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 regularly and
obey
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obeying
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 the rules
also
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. The tax payment becomes a resource to build good and complete facilities for the nation.
Furthermore
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, if the community obeys the
regulation
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regulations
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, they will not have problems with the business of the public.
Thirdly
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, an ideal company needs sufficient job fields to work in.
public
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The public
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 can fulfil their needs by having a good salary
from
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for
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 their task and
have
Wrong verb form
having
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 a good career in the future.
For example
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, folks in Los
angles
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Angeles
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 spend most of their work and have a good financial condition.
As a result
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, they can be an entrepreneur. By being an entrepreneur, they can create new task fields for others and reduce the number of unemployed crowds. In conclusion, a perfect nation has to have good
infrastructures
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infrastructure
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 and services
as well as
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 sufficient job
vacancy
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vacancies
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.
Then
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,
this
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 situation can be built by paying lavy, obeying the policy, and creating the
work-fields
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work fields
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 by entrepreneurs.

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Task Achievement
The introduction could be improved by clearly stating your main argument more directly. It's also beneficial to outline the main points that will be discussed in more detail.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that paragraphs are well-structured, each with a clear main idea and supporting details. Consider using transition words to guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
Task Achievement
Include a wider variety of examples to illustrate your points, as some statements could be further developed to enhance clarity and depth.
Task Achievement
You have identified important elements of a perfect society, which is a thoughtful approach to the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a logical sequence, moving from one idea to the next, which makes it easier to follow your argument.
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