IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

All over the world societies are facing a growing problem with obesity. Obesity affects both children and adults. What are the reasons for this rise in obesity? How can it be tackled?

#world #societies #obesity #children #adults #rise
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In the present world , all countries around the world are facing
an increasing numbers
Correct the article-noun agreement
an increasing number
increasing numbers
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 of
obesity
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 . In fact ,
obesity
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influnces
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influences
 all different ages . In
this
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 essay, I will discuss two of the main causes and give solutions. Actually, the
first
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 main reason for
obesity
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 is junk
food
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.
This
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 is because
people
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 these days eating so much fast
food
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 rather than eating vegetables and fruits, which means consuming more calories and fats.
In addition
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 , another cause for
obesity
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 is the sedentary
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lifestyle
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life style
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lifestyle
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 that most of us have. Many jobs do not require physical
active
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activity
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 so
people
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 sit for more than seven hours
then
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 go home and sit again for watching TV .
As a result
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 of
this
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people
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 do not have
any
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an
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 opportunity to burn the calories that had consumed. There are two main solutions
for
Change preposition
to
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 the
obesity
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 problem.
First
Linking Words
 , the government should
rise
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raise
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 the taxes for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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fast
Add a hyphen
fast-food
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food
Use synonyms
 which means it will be difficult for most
people
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 to buy junk
food
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.
For example
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, in 2019 a study was conducted by Oxford University , which find usually
people
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 leave the high
price
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priced
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 product even if they were used to it . The
second
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 best idea to solve
the
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apply
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obesity
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 is
sport
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a sport
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 which means
people
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 should go to
gym
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the gym
a gym
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 or walk for at least thirty minutes
everyday
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every day
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.
This
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 will burn the calories and protect the human body from some diseases
such
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 as diabetes and blood pressure.
Therefore
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, it is clear that avoiding junk
food
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 and doing some sports will help to lose weight and overcome
obesity
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. To conclude, there are two main causes for
obesity
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 which are fast
food
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 and
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
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Correct your spelling
lifestyle
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life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
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.
However
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, the government can play
very
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a very
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 important role by applying
high
Add an article
the high
a high
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 rate of taxes and
people
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 should be more
physical
Change the adjective
physically
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active
Replace the word
activity
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 which means workouts each day.
Submitted by ms.056 on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Obesity
  • Overweight
  • Epidemic
  • Sedentary
  • Processed food
  • Fast food
  • Nutritional education
  • Awareness
  • Stress
  • Emotional eating
  • Genetic factors
  • Access
  • Healthy food options
  • Marketing
  • Urbanization
  • Lifestyles
What to do next:
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