Some people believe that money is the most important factor for achieving happiness. However, others believe that happiness has nothing to do with money. What is your opinion?
In the contemporary era,
people
are busy in
proliferating Change preposition
apply
money
in the believe
that it is a significant factor of Replace the word
belief
happiness
.While others believe it is not the only factor to bring joy in life
.In my opinion
Add a comma
,opinion
happiness
is the satisfection
from Correct your spelling
satisfaction
core
of one’s heart which Add an article
the core
money
can not fulfill
.
Change the spelling
fulfil
To begin
with, people
who earn high wage does not mean they are more happy
than Replace the words
happier
people
who earn limited
wage. To elaborate Add an article
a limited
this
, a lot of people
who has major revanue
might be unhappy in their Correct your spelling
revenue
life
because of family and work-life
balance. For instance
, most of the developed contries
failing behind the developing nation in term of contentment index because they are stressed Correct your spelling
countries
of
Change preposition
by
fast-paced
culture of corporate and not being able to spend time for personal Add an article
the fast-paced
a fast-paced
life
. So, earn lots of money
can never bring happiness
.
On the flip side, few people
think money
is the most important factor for happiness
. As money
is essasention to buy all kinds of stuff inclding
daily food to Correct your spelling
including
luxery
Correct your spelling
luxury
life
, people
find happiness
in these materialstic
things. Along with Correct your spelling
materialistic
this
, welth
is Correct your spelling
wealth
also
essential for education as well as medical treatment. Certainly, a
good higher education and medical support could not possible without Remove the article
apply
hafty
-paycheque. Correct your spelling
hefty
safety
Therefore
, people
believe large fund make
them more independent and confident in order to Change the verb form
makes
achive
Correct your spelling
achieve
happiness
.
In conclusion, although
numerous people
believe money
is the only medium to bring happiness
and they find it in materialistic thiings
, in my Correct your spelling
things
opinion
it is required for survival but it is independent Add the comma(s)
,opinion
from
Change the preposition
of
happyness
.Correct your spelling
happiness
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Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite