IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many parents today do not spend much time with their children. Why is this? Does this affect parents or children more?

#parents #time #children #affect
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Spending
time
Use synonyms
 with own
children
Use synonyms
 has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
declined
since
Change preposition
in
show examples
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 few decades. Busy
work-life
Correct your spelling
work life
show examples
 and the internet explosion are the main two culprits of the issue; unfortunately,
this
Linking Words
 situation has brought more problems than any minor benefits.
Why
Rephrase
Parents
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 do not have enough
time
Use synonyms
 for
Use synonyms
children
Correct pronoun usage
their children
show examples
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
due to
Linking Words
hectic
Correct article usage
the hectic
show examples
 nature of their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
as well as
Linking Words
 excessive use of online sites.
In other words
Linking Words
, having a busy and tiring day at work, gradually, after returning home, individuals tend to experience severe weakness and
feeling
Wrong verb form
feel
show examples
 to
take
Verb problem
apply
show examples
rest rather than
spending
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 with their offspring.
Secondly
Linking Words
, even though they have sufficient
time
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their hand, they often engage on social media: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and so on.
As a result
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 are isolated and
felt
Wrong verb form
feel
show examples
 neglected, eventually, strong family
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 may be bleak. The
above mentioned
Add a hyphen
above-mentioned
show examples
 scenario
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
usually negatively
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
show examples
 both
children
Use synonyms
 and
parents
Use synonyms
well
Rephrase
apply
show examples
. Looking into the
youngsters
Change to a genitive case
youngster's
youngsters'
show examples
 aspects, since the younger ones
Correct subject-verb agreement
want
show examples
wants
Correct subject-verb agreement
want
show examples
 to be loved and cared
Change preposition
for as
show examples
as
Change preposition
for as
show examples
 they are not received the same from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their family, they often
Correct your spelling
end up
show examples
end-up
Correct your spelling
end up
show examples
 in wrong companies and engaging some illegal activities; they may commit crimes unknowingly,
for instance
Linking Words
, phishing, identity theft, illegal drug use and many more. Eventually, when the
parents
Use synonyms
 realise what is happening in their
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 life, they often feel not only regret but hit into a depressive stage. In conclusion, whenever
parents
Use synonyms
 fail to find
time
Use synonyms
 for
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 next generation causes serious ramifications
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 both of their lives.
This
Linking Words
 mostly happens
the
Correct word choice
because the
show examples
 elders may
tired
Add a missing verb
be tired
show examples
 or
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 online rather than
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the child. It is predicated that if necessary action
did
Verb problem
is
show examples
 not
take
Wrong verb form
taken
show examples
 to counteract the consequences, the outcome would be tremendous.
Submitted by Sal on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Improve coherence and cohesion by using transition words and phrases to connect ideas and paragraphs. Ensure a clear and logical structure for the essay.
task achievement
Pay closer attention to addressing all parts of the task by providing more specific and relevant examples. Ensure comprehensive and clear ideas are presented.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: