IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

It is better for children if the whole family including aunts, uncles and grandparents are involved in a child’s upbringing, rather than just their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #aunts #uncles #grandparents #child’s #upbringing #parents
Nowadays, raising
children
 in the right way is one of the concern problems
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. While some people argued that members in the extended family could contribute to
develop
Change the verb form
developing
show examples
children
’s upbringing than only
parents
, I personally agree with
this
 point of view. On the one hand,
parents
 are the main responsible for the care and upbringing of their
children
, so they can teach their
child
enrich
Add the particle
to enrich
show examples
 their academic
knowledge
 and lifestyle according to available experience. To illustrate
this
 point, some
parents
 could teach greeting culture and
knowledge
 in academic books, but they unable to help their
kid
Fix the agreement mistake
kids
show examples
 explore the variety of
knowledge
 in other fields.
In contrast
,
parents
 devote a huge amount of time to work rather than stay with their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
.
That is
 the reason a few
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 experience feelings of loneliness and isolation, which lead them to limit
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 ability to study in the future.
On the other hand
, I believe that the all of members
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
family
Add an article
the family
show examples
 could help
children
’s
knowledge
 develop effectively in both academic and real life.
Firstly
,
children
 could learn how to respect the older and enhance
knowledge
 about valuable different traditions in the past from their grandparents.
This
 is because they have more experience living in the
longtime
Correct your spelling
long time
show examples
 as well as the way to raising their kid, so elders could spend their time
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
caring and teaching
children
 about lifestyle
knowledge
 which they are unable to study at school.
Moreover
, the other relatives
such
 as aunts and uncles
also
 support
child
 education to en broader their
hoziron
Correct your spelling
hot iron
 in various aspects.
For example
,
uncles
Change the noun form
uncle
show examples
 is a doctor who can help their
child
 understand the basic
knowledge
 to improve their mental and physical health when they were young.
Therefore
, the whole family play a crucial role in
child’s
Correct article usage
a child’s
show examples
 upbringing because each individual could bring benefit for
children
 in their own way. In conclusion,
although
arents
Correct your spelling
parents
show examples
 can help their
children
 develop, I think they can not spend enough time and effort to help
children
 develop at their best. The whole family including aunts, uncles and grandparents will help develop more comprehensively in the future.
Submitted by minhkhoi1099 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • multigenerational households
  • emotional and social development
  • rounded upbringing
  • valuable life skills
  • cultural traditions
  • heritage preservation
  • broad support network
  • psychological health
  • excessive interference
  • practical support
  • child-rearing
  • deeply rooted tradition
  • cultural context
What to do next:
Look at other essays: