IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

It is generally accepted that families are not as close as they used to be Give some reason why this change has happened and suggest how families could be brought together Include any relevant example from your experience

#families #reason #change
The world nowadays is no comparison to the past. It is often thought that many family members are not connected to each other on an emotional or family basis, as it used to be in the past. With the advent of the 21st century, the involvement of technology in human life is constantly rising. In
this
 , essay I will discuss the reason for
this
 change and provide a helpful solution in order to overcome
this
 dilemma.
Firstly
, the primary factor which contributes to
this
 change is the sudden and high involvement of technology in human life. With the help of mobile and the internet ,connection people are connected all over the world, but
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
family discussion which is necessary in order to have
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
siblings is decreasing and in
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
 creating serious thinking
gap
Fix the agreement mistake
gaps
show examples
 with each other.
Secondly
, the change in work and education system, deadlines for the finishing of work
as well as
 for the student to finish homework and study, killing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most of the time
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
everyone, and because of that the
day to
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
show examples
day
 discussion is
reducing
Wrong verb form
reduced
show examples
. Parents need to play a vital role in the process
to bring
Change preposition
of bringing
show examples
 the family together.
Few
Correct article usage
A few
show examples
 basic rules like having breakfast and dinner together, sharing the
day to
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
show examples
day
 activities and making sure to create time to talk with each other will definitely be going to help. Celebrating the birthday
festivals
Change the noun form
festival
show examples
 program together is the best way to spend time with families. An increase in technology, work pressure and hectic life remains the part of humans,
however
, we must remember where to draw the line so as to ensure that we
don
Wrong verb form
don't
show examples
 have to suffer from its detrimental effects. In conclusion, I think it's the parent's responsibility to keep the family together and talk to each other in order to reduce the gap.
Submitted by niranjanchakankar88 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
The essay lacks a clear structure and coherent development of ideas. The introduction and conclusion are present but need improvement in clarity and relevance. The main points lack sufficient support and development. The discussion of the reasons and solutions is not thorough or clear.
task response
The essay addresses the topic but does not fully respond to all aspects of the task. The reasons for the change are mentioned but need further elaboration and relevant examples. The solution provided is vague and lacks detailed explanation. More comprehensive and relevant examples are needed to support the arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: