IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people believe that governments should ban dangerous sports. Others claim that they should have freedom to choose their favourite activities. Discuss both views and present your opinion

#people #governments #ban #sports #freedom #favourite #activities
In contemporary communities, there are plenty of risky games that need special requirements. People arguably assume
that is
 one of the dangerous activities which should be banned by the authorities,
while
 others think it is not. In
this
 essay, I will explain both of my views in these cases. Society presumably agrees that vicious games like parasailing, skydiving, etc are conducting unhealthy exercises that can cause superficial or regular problems to the body's health. As far as I'm concerned, those mentioned sports require some sophisticated instruments.
For instance
, parasailing and skydiving predominantly use engines to make them fly higher and
then
 people jump or fly into the sky. Some individuals disagree with the sport because it frequently failures like fractured bones, hypothermia, and heart attack, which can lead to death.
As a result
, the sports communities massively pushed the government to look up the issues for important matters. Despite the arguments above, another high adrenaline junkier of extreme activities,
on the other hand
, refuses to ban the sport because it does not supporting to the freely democratic expression.
Moreover
, the groups said that it only needs to attribute higher safety for both the participators and organizations to minimalism any
further
 dangers in the long term.
Additionally
, the participants of these physical exercises should be adolescents and without some health concerns,
whereas
 those under age are prohibited from joining.
However
, it
also
 takes enormous amounts to prepare equipment, which not everyone can enjoy as well. In my opinion, I agree with
this
 sort of solution to dismiss more fatal injuries in the future, and I think it is a win-win solution.
To conclude
, in my perspective, both groups of physical activity are aiming to prevent numerous fatality rates that happen rather than closing the sports,
while
 there are still some discussions to avoid contrast in the future.
Submitted by wulandarianggieta on

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task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly presents the topic and your thesis statement. While you've introduced the topic, clarifying your own perspective upfront would strengthen your introduction.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing your paragraphs with clearer topic sentences that guide the reader through your argument. This improves coherence by making your essay easier to follow.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to back up your points. While you touch upon important concepts, detailing real-life instances or statistics would make your arguments more compelling.
task achievement
Conclude your essay by summarizing your main points and restating your opinion. Your conclusion should clearly signal to the reader that you've fully addressed the essay prompt.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs and ideas through better use of linking words and phrases. This will enhance the flow of your essay, making it more cohesive.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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