Some people think that art is an essential subject for children at school while others think it is a waste of time.

It has been suggested that topic for discussion, more
people
believe that
art
is a necessary subject for children in different places
such
as school, on the one
hand
Add the comma(s)
,hand

It appears that you are missing a comma or two with the interrupter on the one hand. Consider adding the comma(s).

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the others believe that it is a waste of time. I am to admit that there are both correct and incorrect points on
this
topic.
First
of all, I am of the opinion that
art
is indispensable for more
people
because
this
activity can help you to develop your worldwide, thinking style, comments and so on.
Moreover
, many prominent artists commenced
this
process from childhood and they have been unforgotten yet. As a matter of fact,
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that article use may be incorrect here.

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art
is being used by
people
like(as) both profession and hobby. That many
people
can earn income from it. Personally, I believe that
art
helps to affect to become creative. Briefly, I think that
art
is crucial and indispensable.
On the other hand
, as a matter of fact, in
this
day and ,age some
people
claim that it is a waste of time. It seems to me that there are more reasons as a pattern they think that essential subjects are to enforce by
people
. A human believes that there isn't meaning
on
Change preposition
in

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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this
action and the young or the others must be realized more decisive acts than
art
. For ,instance they should separate more time for resting, relaxing, learning lessons and so on. To sum up, my own view on
this
matter, we can't deny how is
important
Add an article
an important

The noun phrase important art seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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art
in
people
life so I believe that
art
is essential for children at school. If they don't desire to engage with
this
activity, they will enforce their opt.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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