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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think the government is responsible for rise in childhood obesity, while other think it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

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Obesity
Use synonyms
 has become one of the unsolvable problems of
21st
Correct article usage
the 21st
show examples
 century. Many
believes
Change the verb form
believe
show examples
 that lack of
government
Use synonyms
 initiatives is the only key reason for early age
obesity
Use synonyms
. Whereas other people say that
parents
Use synonyms
 are accountable for
this
Linking Words
 issue. In my opinion,
parents
Use synonyms
 are responsible for whatever health issues happen to their kids. On the one hand,
parents
Use synonyms
 are always there for taking care of their
children
Use synonyms
's health and future. But sometimes, many of them overdo it by simply thinking
it
Change preposition
about it
show examples
 in financial terms. When both
parents
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 are working, the child is usually being left alone at home with snacks and television. Due to
this
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 are vulnerable to develop unhealthy eating habits.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cases,
children
Use synonyms
 are provided with gadgets and computer games to play with.
As a result
Linking Words
 of sitting and playing for long hours will stimulate the
raise
Correct your spelling
rise
show examples
 in body weight. In my personal experience, without
gadgets
Add a comma
,gadgets
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 we played long hours on play-ground which was not only helped to have better health but
also
Linking Words
, we had a great experience of socializing.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, for various reasons,
government
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 authorities ought to make some policies to alleviate
this
Linking Words
 younger generation
obesity
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 problem.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, due to early age
obesity
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, they are prone to various life-threatening issues in their mid-life
such
Linking Words
 as cardiac issues, diabetes, and cancer diseases. As a consequence, their average
life-span
Correct your spelling
lifespan
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 will significantly reduce which will obviously make
bad
Add an article
a bad
the bad
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 reflection in
nation’s
Correct article usage
the nation’s
show examples
 economic growth. Having said that,
parents
Use synonyms
 are afraid to send their kids outside because of increasing crime rates.
This
Linking Words
 is
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
another reason for
Use synonyms
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 accountability
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 younger generations healthy future.
Hence
Linking Words
, authorities should provide enough confidence to
parents
Use synonyms
 that their
children
Use synonyms
's safety is well-ensured by installing cameras and more gourds.
In addition
Linking Words
, imposing
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 tax on high sugar candies will prevent unhealthy food consumption. In conclusion, though there is a need
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 initiatives from
Use synonyms
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
show examples
 side,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
show examples
still
children
Use synonyms
's well-being starts at home. In my view, it is
parents
Use synonyms
 primary responsibility to take all the necessary steps to avoid childhood weight gain
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as teaching them healthy eating habits.

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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