Childhood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia. As many as tow thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsibility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

There is no doubt that the younger generation is consuming unhealthy cooking as
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply

The indefinite article a may not be required with the plural noun kids in this sentence. Consider removing the article, or changing the noun to singular.

show examples
consequence kids are becoming obese. The education system has
put
Add a missing verb
been put

It seems that you are missing a verb. Consider adding it.

show examples
in charge of maintaining school kid's cuisine intake.
Although
, academic institutions play a strong role in the development of our youth
but
Remove the conjunction
apply

It appears that the word but is unnecessary in this sentence. Consider removing it.

show examples
I believe that collaborative efforts of parents and schools can ameliorate the situation and I shall elucidate my viewpoints in the upcoming paragraphs. On one hand, Due to
easy
Correct article usage
the easy

It seems that article use may be incorrect here.

show examples
availability of fast foodstuff, ordering a meal have become effortless for the students.
This
is an issue because eating
unrequired
Add an article
an unrequired

The noun phrase unrequired snack seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

show examples
snack
Fix the agreement mistake
snacks

It seems that snack may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

show examples
can produce extra fat which leads to obesity.
For example
, I have seen crowds using their mobile phones and online fare applications to place an order.One
such
example is Zomato. In Zomato, we can simply search for a specific place and add them to
cart
Correct article usage
the cart

It seems that article use may be incorrect here.

show examples
and place an order.
Moreover
, these applications can deliver food quickly without wasting customer's time. Due to
this
, the youngsters are more attracted to
this
software. Now, in
this
case, schools can not stop them from accessing
this
software. I believe that parents can restrict their children from handling mobile phones for
this
purpose.
On the other hand
, whenever the teenagers are in the universities, at that time the higher authorities can ensure that they are not consuming insalubrious aliments.
For instance
, Few crowds prefer to have snacks in between the breaks. It becomes habitual to them to consume edibles. As a solution, the learning centres can provide foodstuff to learners so that they won't buy anything else during breaks. In conclusion, schools, parents, and the respective individual should take care of their intake habits.
Submitted by shreyaraut1996 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Read more in the eBook

The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »

* free ebook for Premium users

What to do next:
Look at other essays: