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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Crime appears to be rising in most countries in the world, especially among young people. Identify the possible causes of this trend, and propose some solutions you think would be effective.

A
Correct article usage
The
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 number of crimes nowadays are increasing across the world,
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moreover
Add a comma
,moreover
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 not less proportion of them are from youth crimes. There are many contributing factors behind
this
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 deteriorating situation.
This
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 essay will outline them along with the possible remedies to mitigate
this
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 problem. A growing trend of
crime
Use synonyms
 can be caused by many significant reasons, the
first
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 and foremost of which is
the
Correct article usage
apply
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poverty. In developing countries, many people have insufficient
money
Use synonyms
 to raise themselves and their families.
Thus
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, the possible exit of them is likely to commit a
crime
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 like
robbery
Change the article
a robbery
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 or shoplifting for acquiring some
money
Use synonyms
 or food to sustain their life. Not only
this
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, but poverty could
also
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 lead to a lack of education which is one of
relevant
Correct article usage
the relevant
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factor
Fix the agreement mistake
factors
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 to
crime
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. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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other word, if they had no
money
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, they wouldn’t have an opportunity to attend educational
institution
Fix the agreement mistake
institutions
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 as well.
This
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 might be the major root of juvenile delinquency because children are not taught appropriately whether what is right or wrong. Despite many causes, there are several effective methods to help alleviate
this
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 problem. The most important remedy is the duty of the government to spend more
money
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 subsidizing
in
Change preposition
apply
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educational development. They should perhaps establish and distribute more schools and universities to
countryside
Add an article
the countryside
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. Were
government
Add an article
the government
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 to do
this
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, not only
crime
Use synonyms
 rates would decrease, but
also
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 the number of efficient workers would proliferate around the country.
Besides
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this
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, another possible solution is to impose more severe and more proper punishment simultaneously, meaning that use more aggressive penalty for
harsh
Add an article
a harsh
the harsh
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crime
Use synonyms
,
such
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 as murder or drug abuse, meanwhile for youngster criminal they should receive more lenient penalty
such
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 as community service for their rehabilitation. In conclusion, the origin of rising crimes seems to stem from poverty and a lack of education,
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nevertheless
Add a comma
,nevertheless
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 some sensible movements from the government could lessen
this
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 adverse circumstance.

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Your opinion

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Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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