IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many people think that money is important to achieve happiness. What is the importance of money to happiness? Give reasons for your answers and include examples from your experience.

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Happiness is the ultimate goal of
life
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 for anyone across the globe. The majority of
people
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 think that it can be achieved by earning property as they feel that it will delight
life
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. Of course, wealth is an important
factor
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 to think about but not the primary
one
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. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will elucidate the reasons to prove
health
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 and
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 are the primary aspects
in
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of
show examples
life
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 that
leads
Correct subject-verb agreement
lead
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 to happiness.
Health
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 is the topmost
factor
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one
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 should look for to be happy in
life
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. No
one
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 can buy
health
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that
Linking Words
is
Verb problem
has
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 deteriorated because of negligence. To be more precise, everyone in their routine
life
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 should start taking care of their physical and mental
health
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 with proper exercise and diet to keep fit and healthy. The Covid pandemic,
for instance
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, has proved to everyone the importance of
health
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, as many
people
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 across the globe have died
due to
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 low immunity power or prevalent diseases. The consequences of a weak immune system have allowed the virus to impact deeply and couldn't give a chance for the majority of
people
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 to recover, even though they have spent a large amount of capital on medication.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, maintaining positive relationships with fellow human beings is a considerable
factor
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for
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in
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 cheerfulness. A shoulder to cry when someone is in a sad situation or smiling at others happily is a sign of good relationship management in
this
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 fast-paced world. It was proven as per the world statistics for the year 2020,
for instance
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, that 92% of
people
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 who are earning more wealth beyond limits are the most unhappy
people
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, as they always are in search of safeguarding money that they earned.
Hence
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,
people
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 should start taking care of their
health
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 and relationships for happiness rather than spending the whole time earning property. In conclusion, almost everyone across the world
is with
Verb problem
has
show examples
 the perception of considering money is an important
factor
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to bring
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in bringing
show examples
 peace of mind.
However
Linking Words
, I feel that
one
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 should attain healthiness and build good relationships with others including family and friends. These will take precedence over wealth to achieve cheerfulness in
life
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.

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task response
You have provided a clear response to the task by discussing the importance of health and relationships over money in achieving happiness. Be careful with the use of words to ensure your arguments are clear and concise.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, ensure that your ideas flow smoothly from one point to the next to enhance coherence and cohesion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • tribulations
  • prosperity
  • financial stability
  • well-being
  • affordability
  • stress-relief
  • leisure activities
  • personal development
  • philanthropy
  • quality of life
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