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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say the government should not put money into building theatres and sports stadiums; they should spend more money on medical care and education. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In recent years, some parents indulge their
children
Use synonyms
’s every whim without considering the consequences. In fact,
this
Linking Words
 overindulgence can cause deleterious impacts on
children
Use synonyms
, with them growing into irresponsible and materialistic adults. It seems
this
Linking Words
 kind of nurture is prejudicial to
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 development. Through providing
children
Use synonyms
 with everything they want,
for example
Linking Words
, a surfeit of toys, rarely do they
understand
Rephrase
rarely understand
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 the value of their possessions.
Therefore
Linking Words
, not only do they take them for granted, but
Linking Words
also they would
Correct word order
they would also
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 not be content with what they have already had. They would, meanwhile, be at risk of having a short attention span as they have too many things in sight. Another negative aspect of
this
Linking Words
 manner is that
If
Fix capitalization
if
show examples
 they do not acquire discipline, they will not understand that there are consequences for their actions. Overindulgence has long-term repercussions. One obvious issue with
such
Linking Words
manner
Correct article usage
a manner
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 towards
children
Use synonyms
 is that they are being taught
Correct article usage
a consumerism
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consumerism
Replace the word
consumerist
show examples
 culture
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 can lead to lifelong problems, growing up to focus only on consumption.
it
Fix capitalization
It
show examples
 stands to reason that it will inevitably result in an increasing rate of disposal, impacting the environment. It has been argued that materialistic tendencies
also
Linking Words
 affect people’s well-being,
such
Linking Words
 as decreased life satisfaction. Another drawback is that they would be self-centred adults who do not care about anyone else. In conclusion, I subscribe to the theory that
this
Linking Words
 nurture would not have any positive implications.
Children
Use synonyms
’s characteristics would be adversely affected by that, and there is a high likelihood that they
become
Verb problem
will become
show examples
 negligent in their future lives.

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task response
State a clear view on the topic in the first line and keep it clear until the end.
coherence
Add more main ideas and give one simple example for each.
grammar
Keep sentences short and simple to avoid long run on.
lexical
Check small word use and be exact with common words.
coherence
Use link words like also, but, for example to join ideas.
strength
The writer takes a clear view on the topic.
strength
The essay gives real ideas like how keeping many things can hurt a child.
strength
There is a closing line that sums up the view.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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