IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

At present time the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults compared with the number of old people.

#time #population #countries #adults #people
Nowadays, many countries face the issue of overpopulation. There is no doubt,
every
Correct word choice
that every
show examples
 age
groups
Fix the agreement mistake
group
show examples
 are important to build the nation. Some
people
were arguing
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
,
the
Correct word choice
that the
show examples
 increased youth population is more effective
rather
Rephrase
apply
show examples
than the older
people
.
This
 essay will explore both opinions and express
negative
Correct article usage
the negative
show examples
 and positive sides.
To begin
, the
highest
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
number of younger population
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
following
Correct article usage
the following
show examples
 decades. It has a number of advantages.
Such
 as youth crowds could work under pressure working environment, they can cope with difficult situations and handle
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
heavy equipment rather than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elder
people
.
Moreover
,
youth
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
people
 could work more effective and efficient manner,
while
 they have various abilities which are needed
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the present.
Such
 as the level of creativity, new technology, cope with artificial intelligence and many other talents. Younger’s are
updated
Correct quantifier usage
more updated
show examples
 than
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
seniors. Companies can select
proper
Correct article usage
the proper
show examples
 employees most suitable to the
organization
Change noun form
organization's
show examples
 culture and background. Consider with the government they could improve production level and domestic productions, export income as well.
Besides
, the government can reduce expenditures that are under the health care and medications category,
while
 they can use public money for various projects like
to develop
Change the verb form
developing
show examples
 infrastructures and other public services.
However
, on the other ,hand older
resides
Replace the word
residents
show examples
, have more past experience, sense, talents and subject knowledge.
For instance
, especially in the motor mechanic
industry
Add a comma
,industry
show examples
 older workers know more details regarding the vehicles and spare parts than trainers. One major drawback in their knowledge has been outdated considered with the modern world. In conclusion, without age ,barriers all humans are more valuable,
while
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 every single person has contributed their strength to the
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
 economy and development.
Submitted by kasun.sanjayacool on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction
Consider revising your introduction. The thesis statement is weak and does not clearly outline the structure of the essay.
language
There are several issues with grammar and sentence structure throughout the essay. Make sure verbs and subjects agree, and try to reduce the use of comma splices.
argument
Try to explore the negatives of a young population as well, to give more balance to the argument.
structure
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that subsequent sentences relate to this topic. In your second paragraph, the link between the younger population and government spending on health care is unclear.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: