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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays, more people move away from their friends and families for work. Does this development have more advantages or disadvantages?

#people #move #friends #families #work #development
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Many
people
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 around the world shift abroad for better work opportunities in order to earn more money and live a better
lifestyle
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.
However
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, leaving friends and family behind to establish a new life outside has its own advantages and disadvantages. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both of them and
also
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 tell why I feel it is still advantageous to step out. I think, one of the most important advantages of migrating to a better place is financial growth. When
people
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 move out, they have their reasons in mind, which
also
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 helps them to be successful and make more money.
For example
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, many
people
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 from India move to the USA, where the opportunities are far better and
also
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 pay really well. Another extremely important merit is the desired
lifestyle
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 that one can have in a first-world country like the USA.
For instance
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,
people
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 achieve their dreams of having a bigger house, a better car etc. which is rather too difficult to accomplish in their homeland. Meanwhile, there are a few demerits of staying away from family and friends,
such
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 as homesickness and cultural shock. Very often, most migrants miss the home where they grew up, their parents and
also
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 their peers. Another major disadvantage is the cultural differences, in spite of earning more money and having a better
lifestyle
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 one still misses its own culture.
For example
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, many
people
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 who move from India to the USA miss Indian food. In conclusion, I feel,
people
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 take a huge step
of
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in
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 leaving their loved ones behind and moving to a better place for financial growth and a better
lifestyle
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.
This
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 ,in turn, gives them homesickness and cultural shock at times. I still believe that, despite knowing the disadvantages,
people
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 must see the bright side and step out.
Submitted by akshatdarora on

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task achievement
To achieve a higher score, ensure that each paragraph contains a clear central idea and that examples are fully developed. Consider providing counterarguments and addressing them. This approach demonstrates critical thinking and will strengthen your argumentation.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all sentences contribute to the overall argument, avoiding minor redundancies and maintaining a tight focus. For instance, avoid repetitive phrases and provide a more varied sentence structure. This will enhance the sophistication of the essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt adequately, discussing both advantages and disadvantages of moving away for work with relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is sound, with a clear introduction, main body, and conclusion. Each paragraph flows logically to the next, which makes the essay easy to follow.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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