IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Film stars and music celebrities may earn a great deal of money and live in luxurious surroundings, but many of them lead unhappy lives. Do you agree? To what extent is this the price they pay for being famous?

#film #stars #music #celebrities #money #surroundings #lives #price
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movie stars and famous musicians may make high incomes and have a luxurious lifestyle.
However
Linking Words
, some
people
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 think that they may not
happy
Add a missing verb
be happy
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 with their own
livings
Replace the word
lives
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. As far as I
Add a missing verb
am concern
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concern
Replace the word
concerned
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, I strongly believe in
this
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 statement for several reasons which will be discussed in
this
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 essay. One of the main reasons is that superstars have less
time
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 than other
people
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.
This
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 is because they have to dedicate themselves to practising when they
were
Wrong verb form
are
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 young. In order to be famous, most of their
time
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 would
spend
Wrong verb form
be spent
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 on shooting sites, entertainment events and concerts.
As a result
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, they are likely to have no
time
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 to
relaxed
Wrong verb form
relax
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 or enjoying with families and friends. Taylor Swift is a good example. She became a famous singer
since
Correct word choice
when
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 she was only 15 years old. She
told
Verb problem
said
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 that she never had a high school experience like other students of the same age as she had world tour concerts around the world. Another interesting reason is that famous
people
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 are likely to have less privacy. To explain, when they become more and more popular,
people
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 can recognize them in public. It might disrupt their personal life.
For example
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, celebrities always are tracked by paparazzi who need news without respecting
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people
Change noun form
people's
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 rights.
Also
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, they have to be an ideal role model for young
people
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. It might limit
things
Correct article usage
the things
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 they want to do. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
a
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 high rate price is paid for obtaining
the
Correct article usage
a
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 reputation as famous stars have less
time
Use synonyms
 with themselves and someone they love. They
also
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 become a public person for societies.
Although
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 they are rich, they tend to be unhappy
due to
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 these reasons.
Submitted by molwan_tae on

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task response
Ensure that the essay fully addresses the prompt by providing a clear opinion and addressing all aspects of the question. Develop the ideas in a more organized and focused manner.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but the overall organization and development of ideas could be improved for better coherence and cohesion. Link the ideas more effectively through the proper use of linking words and cohesive devices.
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