Film stars and music celebrities may earn a great deal of money and live in luxurious surroundings, but many of them lead unhappy lives. Do you agree? To what extent is this the price they pay for being famous?

movie stars and famous musicians may make high incomes and have a luxurious lifestyle.
However
, some
people
think that they may not
happy
Add a missing verb
be happy
show examples
with their own
livings
Replace the word
lives
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. As far as I
Add a missing verb
am concern
show examples
concern
Replace the word
concerned
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, I strongly believe in
this
statement for several reasons which will be discussed in
this
essay. One of the main reasons is that superstars have less
time
than other
people
.
This
is because they have to dedicate themselves to practising when they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
young. In order to be famous, most of their
time
would
spend
Wrong verb form
be spent
show examples
on shooting sites, entertainment events and concerts.
As a result
, they are likely to have no
time
to
relaxed
Wrong verb form
relax
show examples
or enjoying with families and friends. Taylor Swift is a good example. She became a famous singer
since
Correct word choice
when
show examples
she was only 15 years old. She
told
Verb problem
said
show examples
that she never had a high school experience like other students of the same age as she had world tour concerts around the world. Another interesting reason is that famous
people
are likely to have less privacy. To explain, when they become more and more popular,
people
can recognize them in public. It might disrupt their personal life.
For example
, celebrities always are tracked by paparazzi who need news without respecting
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
rights.
Also
, they have to be an ideal role model for young
people
. It might limit
things
Correct article usage
the things
show examples
they want to do. In conclusion,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
high rate price is paid for obtaining
the
Correct article usage
a
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reputation as famous stars have less
time
with themselves and someone they love. They
also
become a public person for societies.
Although
they are rich, they tend to be unhappy
due to
these reasons.
Submitted by molwan_tae on

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task response
Ensure that the essay fully addresses the prompt by providing a clear opinion and addressing all aspects of the question. Develop the ideas in a more organized and focused manner.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but the overall organization and development of ideas could be improved for better coherence and cohesion. Link the ideas more effectively through the proper use of linking words and cohesive devices.

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