IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, people buy clothes and choose hairstyles according to the latest fashion. Why is this happening? Is this a positive or negative development?

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I think we have two options why
people
Use synonyms
 buy
clothes
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 and choose
harisyles
Correct your spelling
hairstyles
hairstyle
according to
Linking Words
 the latest fashion. And
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this
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these
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 options are big problems
of
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in
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 our society. Why? Now I will explain
you
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to you
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. Let`s start
from
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with
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 options. I think
he
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the
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 first is positive and
second
Correct article usage
the second
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 one is negative:
People
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wants
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want
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 to have some similar staff with whom
whey
Correct your spelling
they
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 like. Some
people
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fear
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to look
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looking
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diffrent
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different
 from
other
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others
show examples
.
Fear
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 to be
themselfs
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themselves
show examples
 and
fear
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 to be
diffrent
Correct your spelling
different
.
Firstly
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, why
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people
Add a missing verb
do people
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 want it?
Somethimes
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Sometimes
 fashionable
clothes
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 look really great and beautiful. And
somethimes
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sometimes
 someone from pop, sport, cinema
and
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apply
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etc. starts starting to wear some kind of new
clothes
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 or
starting
Wrong verb form
start
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 to cut
heir
Correct your spelling
their
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 hair in different ways. And SOMETIMES
people
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 just see what
it`s
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beatiful
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beautiful
 and
Add the particle
want to
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want
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won't
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 be like their idols, or just want to
change
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 something in
theirselfs
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themselves
. When it happens I think that`s good, because when we
change
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 something in us we can start to
change
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 our life.
Secondly
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, why
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people
Add a missing verb
do people
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fear
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? Of course, we can speak about
phycoogical
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psychological
physiological
 problems, but I think
it`s
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 not
nessesary
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necessary
.
People
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 just don`t want to be
themselfs
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themselves
show examples
.
It`s
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 much better to "be like
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
".
It`s
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 easy. Easy to wear
clothes
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 which
is
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are
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 "fashionable" for
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
. Easy to choose
hairstyle
Add an article
a hairstyle
the hairstyle
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 which more
atractive
Correct your spelling
attractive
for
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to
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other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
.
People
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fear
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 to hear something bad about their
clothes
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 style or hairstyle. And
this
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 is
big
Add an article
a big
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 problem.
Because
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apply
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If we
fear
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 to be
ourself
Correct pronoun usage
ourselves
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, we can lose
ourself
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ourselves
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 forever. So I think we must follow the fashion only when we really want
this
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, not when someone else.
For
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To
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 summarize, I think
what
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that
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 we must think
why
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about why
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 we follow
the
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apply
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fashion. And only when we really want it - we can
change
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 something.

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coherence and cohesion
Your introduction would benefit from a clearer statement of the question and the purpose of your essay. Clearly outline the reasons for fashion conformity and your views on whether it is positive or negative.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to clearly separate your main points into distinct paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a single idea that supports your argument.
task achievement
Spell check is essential; consider revising spelling mistakes such as 'harisyles', 'diffrent', 'phycoogical', and 'attractive' to improve clarity.
task achievement
Use more specific examples or references in your essay to support your points. For instance, mentioning specific celebrities or styles can strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Your essay presents a personal viewpoint, which adds a unique touch to your writing. You express nuanced understanding by recognizing both positive and negative aspects of fashion conformity.
task achievement
You have a good grasp of the topic and make an attempt to explore the psychological aspects behind the choices people make regarding fashion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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