IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, people buy clothes and choose hairstyles according to the latest fashion. Why is this happening? Is this a positive or negative development?

I think we have two options why
people
Use synonyms
 buy
clothes
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 and choose
harisyles
Correct your spelling
hairstyles
hairstyle
according to
Linking Words
 the latest fashion. And
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this
Change the determiner
these
show examples
 options are big problems
of
Change preposition
in
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 our society. Why? Now I will explain
you
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to you
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. Let`s start
from
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with
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 options. I think
he
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the
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 first is positive and
second
Correct article usage
the second
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 one is negative:
People
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wants
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want
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 to have some similar staff with whom
whey
Correct your spelling
they
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 like. Some
people
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fear
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to look
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looking
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diffrent
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different
 from
other
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others
show examples
.
Fear
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 to be
themselfs
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themselves
show examples
 and
fear
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 to be
diffrent
Correct your spelling
different
.
Firstly
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, why
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people
Add a missing verb
do people
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 want it?
Somethimes
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Sometimes
 fashionable
clothes
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 look really great and beautiful. And
somethimes
Correct your spelling
sometimes
 someone from pop, sport, cinema
and
Correct word choice
apply
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etc. starts starting to wear some kind of new
clothes
Use synonyms
 or
starting
Wrong verb form
start
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 to cut
heir
Correct your spelling
their
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 hair in different ways. And SOMETIMES
people
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 just see what
it`s
Use synonyms
beatiful
Correct your spelling
beautiful
 and
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won't
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want
Add the particle
want to
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 be like their idols, or just want to
change
Use synonyms
 something in
theirselfs
Correct your spelling
themselves
. When it happens I think that`s good, because when we
change
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 something in us we can start to
change
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 our life.
Secondly
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, why
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people
Add a missing verb
do people
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fear
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? Of course, we can speak about
phycoogical
Correct your spelling
psychological
physiological
 problems, but I think
it`s
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 not
nessesary
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necessary
.
People
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 just don`t want to be
themselfs
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themselves
show examples
.
It`s
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 much better to "be like
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
".
It`s
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 easy. Easy to wear
clothes
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 which
is
Change the verb form
are
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 "fashionable" for
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
. Easy to choose
hairstyle
Add an article
a hairstyle
the hairstyle
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 which more
atractive
Correct your spelling
attractive
for
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to
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other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
.
People
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fear
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 to hear something bad about their
clothes
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 style or hairstyle. And
this
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 is
big
Add an article
a big
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 problem.
Because
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apply
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If we
fear
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 to be
ourself
Correct pronoun usage
ourselves
show examples
, we can lose
ourself
Correct pronoun usage
ourselves
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 forever. So I think we must follow the fashion only when we really want
this
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, not when someone else.
For
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To
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 summarize, I think
what
Correct word choice
that
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 we must think
why
Change preposition
about why
show examples
 we follow
the
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apply
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fashion. And only when we really want it - we can
change
Use synonyms
 something.

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coherence and cohesion
Consider rephrasing the introduction for clarity. Instead of saying 'we have two options', you might say 'there are two main reasons' to avoid confusion and improve clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure grammatical accuracy such as 'they want' instead of 'whey like'. These inaccuracies can distract from your message.
task achievement
Make sure to provide more concrete examples to support your points, which can enhance the overall persuasiveness of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Clarify your conclusion to better summarize your arguments; consider restating your main points to reinforce your message.
task achievement
You demonstrate a clear understanding of the topic and provide personal insights on why people follow fashion trends.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both sides of the argument, indicating a balanced approach to the topic, which is commendable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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