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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Space travel to the Moon is often cited as one giant leap for mankind. Yet some people argue that this achievement made little differenct to our daily lives. What is your opinion?

#space #travel #moon #giant #leap #mankind #people #achievement #differenct #lives
There is a controversial perspective heating a debate over travelling through
space
.
While
 some people claim that reaching the
Moon
 is one of the remarkable shifts in mankind, others believe that it has
negligible
Correct article usage
a negligible
show examples
 impact on people’s daily lives. Everything has its own peaks, yet, I personally argue that the former still outweighs its counterpart. It is undisputed
to note
Verb problem
apply
show examples
that
Moon
 travelling brings about tremendous merits for people in terms of the development of cutting-edge technologies to apply in daily life
as well as
 enhancing the high-tech workforces. Thanks to
Moon
 exploration, scientists have invented a wealth of satellites which are used for a variety of applications
such
 as weather forecasts or wireless networks.
Moreover
,
space
travel
 not only attracted a wealth of people interested in journeys into places that they only heard on TV or the internet but
also
 drew an appeal to potential learners to participate in
this
 aspect, which will be required to address the future’s issues. The exploration of Neil Armstrong, who
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 the first person to land on the
Moon
, can be cited as a viable instance since it has opened a new era of
space
travel
,
therefore
 encouraging more aspiring scientists to exploit and make use of its benefits to apply in daily life. For those reasons,
Moon
travel
 has done wonders for our daily life, especially regarding technology development and
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
human resources.
While
 the redeeming features of the aforementioned notion are widely acknowledged, its downsides still linger. Despite the fact that
Moon
travel
 has some influential effects, spending an enormous expenditure on it was not a decent choice.
This
 aspect required a huge amount of the Government's budget to build specialized equipment
such
 as spaceships
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or train astronauts methodically to be ready for a journey that lasts many years,
not to mention
 hire hundreds of professional workforces.
Therefore
, the rulers should adjust the expenditure between
space
travel
 to the
Moon
 and other significant aspects and make the right priority for the citizens. In conclusion, I am well convinced that
Moon
 travelling brings more influence
Correct word choice
and impacts
show examples
impacts
Fix the agreement mistake
impact
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 compared to its demerits.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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task achievement
To strengthen the response, consider addressing the opposing view more comprehensively. This can add depth to the argument, showing a thorough consideration of different perspectives.
language
There were a few minor language inaccuracies, but they did not impede communication. Focus on refining these language points for a more polished essay.
coherence cohesion
The transition between ideas could be smoother. Using more varied cohesive devices can help in making the essay flow more naturally.
task achievement
You have effectively introduced the topic and provided a clear thesis statement, which helps in setting the stage for your arguments.
task achievement
The essay presents relevant and specific examples, which strengthen the arguments made.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is clear, with each paragraph discussing a distinct point. This organization makes it easier for the reader to follow the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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