IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some believe that modern technology has made people less socially active, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#believe #technology #people
There is no agreement that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
developed technology has changed our
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 obviously. Some
people
 think that
this
 breakthrough has made them participate in their society less time. Others and I have a controversy.
However
, both views and my opinion will be discussed in the following paragraphs. On the one hand, there are many innovations that can influence
people
 to stay
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their place rather than
going
Wrong verb form
go
show examples
 outside to interact with
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 surroundings.
For instance
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
youngsters
have spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 their time playing computer games
a
Change preposition
for a
show examples
lot of hours
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a day
while
 they neglect everyone else. They think that
this
 activity is more interesting than getting a conversation in person, including talking with the members
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the home or
neighbors
Change the spelling
neighbours
show examples
.
On the other hand
,
this
 group believes that modern technology can keep in touch with their friends and their family
by
Change preposition
through
show examples
 online platforms
such
 as Facebook, Instagram and Line. Not only to communicate with them individually but
only
Rephrase
also
show examples
 to be able to follow the recent news from around the
world
 in various countries.
For example
, we can perceive the information of Covid 19 pandemic in Canada and Australia where their acquaintances live without worrying about the location. In my point of view, I disagree that technological development causes
people
 to be inactive. I think that the internet will be able to narrow the
world
 without time and place conditions and make
people
 more socially active than
we
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 used to be. In conclusion, there are different aspects of
cutted-edge
Correct your spelling
cutting-edge
 technology but I strongly disagree that
this
 can affect living in their personal
world
 more than interacting with others in the real
world
.
Submitted by nnnnink on

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task response
The essay addresses both views and provides a clear opinion, but there is inconsistency in the argument development. The examples provided need to be more relevant and specific to the argument.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but the logical structure of the essay is not well-developed. The arguments need to be more coherently connected and supported with relevant examples.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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