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Band 5.5

Some people say that individuals who make a lot of money are most successful. Others think that those who contribute to society like scientists and teachers are most successful. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #individuals #money #society #scientists #teachers
In
this
 day and age, a debate with regard to the definition of
success
 has been sparked, drawing much attention from the public. While some
people
 insist that
success
 can only be measured by
individual’s
Correct article usage
an individual’s
show examples
 sum of wealth, I would side with those who are of opinion that their
contribution
 to
society
signify
Change the verb form
signifies
show examples
 their
success
. On the one hand, the view that
people
 who have high incomes are the most successful could be plausible to some degree.
In other words
,
people
 who have a high salary are able to buy prohibitively expensive products or services, which is
driving
Correct article usage
the driving
show examples
 force behind an
improve
Replace the word
improvement
show examples
 in not only their living standard but
also
 their social status. Another compelling factor is that
people
 become being rich due to their efforts and
determinations
Fix the agreement mistake
determination
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 achieve accomplishments. Take Elon Musk as a salient example, thanks to Tesla cars, he has
became
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 the richest magnate in the world.
On the other hand
, there is ample evidence that
contribution
Replace the word
contribute
show examples
 to
society
 is far better compared to being wealthy in defining
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
success
.
First
 and foremost, the
contribution
 of teachers or scientists is a criterion in signifying
success
 since those intellectuals, through their academic contributions, are shapers of minds and
thus
 their influence can
last
 for generations.
Secondly
, the
contribution
 of rich
people
 should not be overlooked since many
wealth
Replace the word
wealthy
show examples
 moguls play an integral role in developing
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
society
.
For example
, Musk has recreated, rejuvenated and redefined every industry he has encountered, from media and finance to transportation and energy. In conclusion,
although
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
wealth is a premise in being successful, I believe that
contribution
 to
society
 is far
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
better in signifying
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
success
.
Submitted by star.nguyenhuyhoang.2409 on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial prosperity
  • capitalizing
  • luxury travel
  • exclusive experiences
  • contributions to society
  • humanitarian workers
  • lasting impact
  • highly subjective
  • cultural, societal, and personal values
  • comfort and security
  • deeper personal satisfaction
  • holistic understanding
What to do next:
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