IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Gone are the days when children dreamed of becoming doctors and nurses – today’s children want to become YouTubers or vloggers. According to a survey of 1,000 children aged six to 17, more than three quarters of them say they’d consider a career in online videos. It is dangerous for kids to aspire to become a YouTube sensation. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #doctors #nurses #today’s #youtubers #vloggers #survey #six #three #quarters #they’d #career #videos #kids #youtube #sensation
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There was a
time
 when every student dreamt of becoming either a doctor or a teacher but nowadays the scenario has reversed and becoming a YouTuber or a vlogger is in trend. Approximately 75% of youngsters consider their future in online videos. Through
this
 essay, I will discuss
this
 change of shift and will give my viewpoint on it.
To begin
 with, if we see a holistic view,
YouTubers
 and
vloggers
 do not need to pass a certain age limit, in
fact
Add a comma
fact,
show examples
 a
school going
Add a hyphen
school-going
show examples
 kid can follow
this
 occupation
whereas
 doctors or nurses need to complete their degrees to practice their profession. The reason for
this
 change stated by children is that
YouTubers
 and
vloggers
 gain popularity in
short
Correct article usage
a short
show examples
 span
while
 it takes years to settle down in other fields.
On the contrary
, the profession of
YouTubers
 and
vloggers
 is not permanent as new
YouTubers
 and
vloggers
 replace them from
time
 to
time
. As people like variety in their lives
likewise
 new
YouTubers
 and
vloggers
 keep on becoming their favourites.
Furthermore
,
who
Correct determiner usage
those who
show examples
 roast celebrities online are being watched more and
hence
 people get motivated to make
such
 kinds of videos which preach a bad lesson to society.
In contrast
, doctors and nurses have a Godly image in society as they save
lives
Correct article usage
the lives
show examples
 of people.
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
show examples
 amidst covid situation, it is observed that doctors and nurses sacrificed their
time
 with their families and did not pay any heed to their safety and served patients.
To conclude
, I would like to argue that vlogging and YouTubing should be limited to as a hobby and
such
 passions should be followed that can help our societies and brings satisfaction to our life.
Submitted by harleenkaur2806 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Inadequate support for main points
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay lacks a clear introduction and conclusion

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: