IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some rich countries, the number of children at secondary or high school who are the science subject is declining. What effect might this have on the children's and their countries future? How can children be encouraged to study science?

Education is one of the most crucial parts of people's lives.
According to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, there are many factors that have led to decreasing in studying
science
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, a number of solutions have
also
Linking Words
 been put forward to
inspired
Wrong verb form
inspire
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 to learn
science
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the effect that could occur and how children can be inspired. The first and most obvious drawback is a less developed
country
Use synonyms
. The rationale behind
this
Linking Words
 was that
science
Use synonyms
 is the root of
technologies
Fix the agreement mistake
technology
show examples
.
Due to
Linking Words
 the globalized era, many countries
create
Wrong verb form
created
show examples
 several innovations, leading to set up
companies
Change preposition
of companies
show examples
 build-up which could increase
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
 GDP. 
Therefore
Linking Words
, the fewer
students
Use synonyms
 studying
science
Use synonyms
, the less economic growth caused the
country
Use synonyms
 to be completely behind the time.
Moreover
Linking Words
, fewer
science
Use synonyms
students
Use synonyms
 will be affected by the depletion of manpower. There are several professions using
science
Use synonyms
-based
such
Linking Words
 as engineers, doctors or scientists, as there aren't enough people to work in these areas.
The
Correct article usage
A
show examples
 possible way to encourage
students
Use synonyms
 to learn
science
Use synonyms
 is by increasing awareness of
science
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, the government should contribute to the scientists who succeed in their career paths. These people might be role models for the young generation to study
science
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, not only the government should take responsibility but
also
Linking Words
 the private sector should increase the wage which can ensure that
students
Use synonyms
 who
graduated
Wrong verb form
graduate
show examples
 from the
science
Use synonyms
 program will have a better career path. In conclusion, if
students
Use synonyms
 still ignore
science
Use synonyms
 subjects, it will cause many serious problems
such
Linking Words
 as lack of manpower and
decline
Correct article usage
a decline
show examples
 of
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
the country
show examples
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
 development.
However
Linking Words
, the way to persuade
students
Use synonyms
 to learn in
science
Use synonyms
 is to promote
science
Use synonyms
 awareness by using scientist role models.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph flows logically from one idea to the next. For instance, consider linking the depletion of manpower directly to the country's economic growth.
task achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to support your points. This will make your argument more convincing and relatable.
task achievement
Ensure that your main points are fully supported. For example, elaborate more on how recognizing successful scientists could inspire students.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which are essential components of a well-structured essay.
task achievement
The main points are clear and relevant to the prompt, addressing both the effects and the potential solutions.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: