IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #government #rise #obesity #children
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Nowadays the number of
children
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 with
obesity
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 disease are grown up, some people believe that the
government
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 should be responsible for
this
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 problem. In
this
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 essay, I will partly support
this
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 statement. In modern society, we have plenty of different meat which is easy to buy.
This
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 foodstuff consists of sugar and oils. Adolescents love sweet
food
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 and the shops have a huge assortment of it. A lot of advertisements offer people fast and sweet
food
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, which can lead to
obesity
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, especially among the
children
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,
moreover
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 fast-
food
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 restaurants
such
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 as Mac Donald’s and KFS are very popular all over the world, because
this
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 meal is cheap and fast, and gives opportunity to the parents do not cook at home. Another reason for the increasing quality of cases of childhood
obesity
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 is that they prefer to spend a lot of time watching TV, YouTube, playing computer games and using social media. It leads to a lack of movement, and to problems with weight
as a result
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. To solve
this
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 problem the
government
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 should create more sports centres, and arrange a lot of sports events for
children
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, to involve them in the sport. In conclusion, I would argue that
government
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 is responsible for
children
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's
obesity
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 as far as their parents. Parents should provide theirs’s
children
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 with fresh and healthy
food
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, meanwhile, the
government
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 should create more sports facilities in the cities, and fast
food
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 has to be forbidden in the schools and kinder gardens.
Submitted by mazhivotova on

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Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • policies
  • responsibility
  • health and well-being
  • education and awareness programs
  • childhood obesity
  • food advertising and labeling
  • unhealthy food
  • supportive environments
  • recreational facilities
  • collaboration
  • healthcare providers
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