IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In achieving personal happiness, our relationships with family, friends, and colleagues are more important than work and wealth. Do you agree or disagree with this?

There is a growing belief that
people
Use synonyms
 should prioritize their
relationships
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, rather than their possessions and promotions to become happy. I firmly agree with
this
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 view
due to
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 emotional effects
although
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 properties provide a broader range of entertainment. On the one hand, social
relationships
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 nurture emotions.
In other words
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, familiar
people
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 have profound connections and interactions that they are determined to empathise with, support and encourage their loved ones.
As a result
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, these close-knit
relationships
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 foster individuals to enrich their emotional aspect,
as well as
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 lift their souls up even on their darkest days so that they are not only mentally stronger but
also
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 more optimistic about the more hopeful future.
On the other hand
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, it is crucial to recognise that wealth and work offer better entertaining environments. To clarify, the abundance of properties may help
people
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 access to wide range of means of amusement -
such
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 as travelling or watching movies - which satisfy their demands for leisure activities
while
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 promotions in their occupations help them gain a reputation, and
then
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 they will be satisfied in
this
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 way.
Nevertheless
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,
this
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 approach overlooks authentic happiness and probably focuses on mundane and meaningless activities which undermine their true desires. In conclusion, despite providing more means of entertainment and polishing
people
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's fame, wealth and work are ignored by a large portion of young individuals nowadays as they lack connectivity, empathy,
as well as
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 mutual support in times of need from others. Ultimately, the combination of these factors makes priority for
relationships
Use synonyms
 seem more attractive than the pursuit of wealth.

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Task Achievement
Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the introduction. Use phrases like 'I believe' or 'In my opinion'.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that your points follow a logical order. This helps readers to follow your argument easily.
Task Achievement
Use specific examples to support your points. This adds depth to your ideas and makes them more convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay clearly presents a balanced view by discussing both relationships and wealth.
Task Achievement
You provide strong arguments for the importance of social relationships in happiness, which is engaging.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • personal happiness
  • strong relationships
  • family
  • friends
  • colleagues
  • work and wealth
  • temporary happiness
  • fulfilling
  • sense of belonging
  • connection
  • meaningful interactions
  • joy
  • fulfillment
  • building and maintaining
  • time and effort
  • communication
  • stress
  • pressure
  • balance
  • well-being
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