IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

some people think money is the best gift to give to youngsters, while others disagree. discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #money #gift #youngsters
Money
 is
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 main source to buy all our
neccessities
Correct your spelling
necessities
 in our daily life. Some people thought that it is important especially to the teens while others are not
infavor
Correct your spelling
in favor
.
This
 essay will discuss the pros and cons of the public regarding the disadvantage to the youngsters and provide evidence
as
Add the preposition
toas
show examples
 why
money
 can cause negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 to them.
To begin
 with, the new generation comes with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern technology, high tech gadgets and
expensive
Correct article usage
an expensive
show examples
 lifestyle which are the teens are addicted to.
For example
, some parents are supporting them in exchange
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 having
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
high grades and be a good citizen. As early as a child they will follow all the commands of their families to have a prize in the end. By
this
Add a comma
,this
show examples
 it will help them to motivate their kids and it continues until they are teens.
In addition
 to that, it can be a set to strive
further
 as it can have
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
positive consequences to both parents and their children.
On the other hand
, there is a saying that "
money
 can be the cause of evil" which means negative effects of
money
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 people are dangerous some examples are corruption, drugs and crime. It influences youngsters to do
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of unlawful act just to get what they
desires
Change the verb form
desire
show examples
. Gadgets and luxurious lifestyles are common to the society
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 youngs are trying to blend in. In conclusion,
money
 can cause the community to buy what they want and provide what they need to, for them to be accepted in the trending world. It is not bad as long the source to purchase everything is from your own pocket.
However
Add a comma
,However
show examples
 pretending to have everything by involving themselves
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 different crimes can lead them to their own karma.
Submitted by ding on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: