IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that the main aim of advertisements is to improve the sales of products that people do not really need. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, advertisements are ubiquitous.
While
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this
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 form of propaganda does serve purposes that are beneficial for businesses, I agree with the idea that the main target of
adverts
Use synonyms
 is to encourage consumers to purchase products they don’t necessarily have to buy. On the one hand, I accept that advertising does play a key role in our modern society. One main function of advertising is that it bridges the gap between
the
Correct article usage
apply
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consumers and manufacturers. Internet,
for example
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, can precisely deliver information
of
Change preposition
about
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 the products to their target customers even across countries. Another key contribution of
adverts
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 is to stimulate economic growth by boosting consumers’ impulse to spend money.
Furthermore
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, well-designed and well-performed
adverts
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 can be very entertaining.
However
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, I would agree that the primary mission of advertising is to encourage people to shop for things they don’t really need.
Firstly
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,
adverts
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 advocate an unhealthy and wasteful lifestyle by persuading consumers to follow the latest version of commodities which are merely fractionally superior to the older one.
Secondly
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, some advertisements focus on selling brands and
sought
Wrong verb form
seek
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 to associate certain brands with a higher social status. Take the fashion industry as an example, deeply influenced by
adverts
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, many people buy expensive
luxurious
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luxuries
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 only to satisfy their inner vanity.
Finally
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, some
adverts
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 intentionally exaggerate or mislead the audience by implying dire consequences if their commodities are not used.
For example
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, a woman is likely to lose the affection of her husband if she doesn’t use certain cosmetics. In conclusion,
although
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 useful in some ways, advertising is mainly carried out to maximize financial profits and to entice people to squander money on dispensable things.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay logically transitions between ideas and paragraphs, showcasing your thoughts in a coherent manner. However, you can improve by ensuring each paragraph closely ties to your thesis statement.
task achievement
You have overall done well in comprehensively responding to the question. However, some examples you provided were slightly unclear and tangential. Try to strengthen this by making sure each example undeniably supports your argument.
introduction conclusion
Keep in mind for these types of essays, the introduction and conclusion should clearly state your position on the topic. Your introduction and conclusion did present your perspective but it could have been done more assertively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • promote
  • essential
  • basic needs
  • persuasive techniques
  • convince
  • desires
  • influence
  • consumer behavior
  • manipulate
  • emotions
  • unnecessary purchases
  • contribute to
  • consumerism
  • overconsumption
  • informative
  • informed choices
  • genuine needs
  • awareness
  • innovations
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