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Writing Samples
Band 6

some people suggest that children do not understand the world of work and schools should make teenagers spend a short time working as well as studying academic subjects. To what extent do you agree

#people #children #world #work #schools #teenagers #time #subjects
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People have different views about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teenagers not perceive both aspects of school and occupation. For that reason, they suppose that adolescence should be taken part in
job
Use synonyms
 program
instead
Linking Words
 of spending
all
Add a hyphen
all-time
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 in the school. Whilst there are many reasons to justify
such
Linking Words
 a viewpoint, I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement.
Firstly
Linking Words
, there are numerous reasons why
Use synonyms
Add an article
a student
the student
show examples
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
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 should have a part-
time
Use synonyms
job
Use synonyms
 rather
focus
Change preposition
than focus
show examples
 too much on study hypothetical. In the population circumstance and globalization, almost
Use synonyms
job
Correct quantifier usage
all job
show examples
require
Change the verb form
requires
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 experience skills and ability to deal with, practical
also
Linking Words
 play an essential part
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 recruitment. It means that
Use synonyms
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 could be faced with unemployment or having trouble
to find
Change the verb form
finding
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 right
job
Use synonyms
 without practical.
For instance
Linking Words
, a survey at the University of Sydney proved that 60% of
Use synonyms
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 who
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 not been for any short
time
Use synonyms
job
Use synonyms
 could not find an appropriate
job
Use synonyms
 with their major and 40% with
job
Use synonyms
 experience as communication skill, computer
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
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 or hospitality
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
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 have more
job
Use synonyms
 opportunity.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it becomes more important to allocate working
time
Use synonyms
 and studying
time
Use synonyms
 together which is considered
fundamental
Add an article
the fundamental
a fundamental
show examples
 foundation for teenagers after they graduate. Moving on to consider the opposing side arguments, some parents think that doing a part-
time
Use synonyms
job
Use synonyms
 along with studying in university will make their children get
bad
Add an article
a bad
show examples
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
. It is largely attributed to the fact that knowledge
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
Linking Words
first
Correct article usage
the first
show examples
 criteria to evaluate input human resources.
For example
Linking Words
, in
rural
Add an article
a rural
the rural
show examples
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
show examples
 of Vietnam, many people willing to work when they were 15 or 16 years old with little knowledge must accept low
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
show examples
 with
unfair
Replace the word
unfairness
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 in their
job
Use synonyms
.
Change preposition
In another
show examples
Another word
Fix the agreement mistake
Other words
show examples
,
Use synonyms
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
also
Linking Words
 should priority academic achievement to get
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
 score that promotes occupation in the future. In conclusion, while there are strong arguments on both
side
Fix the agreement mistake
sides
show examples
 of the debate, a final conclusion must be drawn, and I strongly agree that children should have awareness in studying and working.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they
also
Linking Words
 should be considered working in
short
Add an article
a short
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 to have a deeper insight about practical and theories.
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