IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below give information about attendance at entertainment venues and admission prices to those venues in 2009. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below give information about attendance at entertainment venues and admission prices to those venues in 2009. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
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The bar charts below show data about attendance at entertainment
venues
Use synonyms
, with a
further
Linking Words
 classification by
admission
Use synonyms
prices
Use synonyms
 to these
venues
Use synonyms
 in 2009. The number of
people
Use synonyms
 attending sports competitions reached 180 thousand a year,
whereas
Linking Words
 almost 380 thousand
people
Use synonyms
 had chosen to spend their spare time in theme parks. Cinemas,
however
Linking Words
, are the most popular entertainment
venues
Use synonyms
 since
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
attendance soared over the period and hit a peak of 1 million and 200 thousand
people
Use synonyms
 a year. An analysis of the data on
admission
Use synonyms
prices
Use synonyms
 shows that
such
Linking Words
 sports events as football games correspond to higher
admission
Use synonyms
prices
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, to attend an AFL Football game, a person needs to spend 75
dollars
Use synonyms
 for a single
ticket
Use synonyms
. But a family, which consists of 4
people
Use synonyms
, is expected to purchase a family
ticket
Use synonyms
 for 298
dollars
Use synonyms
. A visit to theme parks is the
second
Linking Words
 in terms of money spending: a single
ticket
Use synonyms
costs
Use synonyms
 70
dollars
Use synonyms
, and a family
ticket
Use synonyms
costs
Use synonyms
 210
dollars
Use synonyms
. Despite being sports competitions, basketball and cricket are worth visiting since single tickets cost 34 and 24
dollars
Use synonyms
 each. Given that a visit to the cinema is the most popular among the population, it is not surprising that a single
ticket
Use synonyms
costs
Use synonyms
 only 15
dollars
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 a family
ticket
Use synonyms
costs
Use synonyms
 55
dollars
Use synonyms
.
Admission
Use synonyms
prices
Use synonyms
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
entertainment
venues
Use synonyms
 in 2009 are the main factor of
people
Use synonyms
`s choice on how they want to spend their spare time.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 73%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words venues, admission, prices, people, dollars, ticket, costs with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "show" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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