IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for ex.., through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In may cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#technology #people #cellphone #security #cameras #cases #development
They are two main views about the working place. While one group of people believe that having a job position in a company for
long
Change the article
a long
show examples
 time is not beneficial, another group agree that it has got some advantages. I strongly agree with the
first
 idea. On the one hand, working years are the main part of our life and it puts some serious effects on our personality and lifestyle which are undeniable. It is commonly believed that working in the same company for
long
Change the article
a long
show examples
 time deter us from negative risks
such
 as new atmosphere and the new line of business, importantly
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
 a good opportunity for looking to other sides of our life.
For instance
, workers have more holidays which they can spend with their families.
On the other hand
, In my point of view, we always are thirsty for new experiences and want more than we have, so with the same office place we are not satisfied. There are several reasons
beside
Replace the word
besides
show examples
this
 opinion.
First
, some people agree that there is a strong
relation
Replace the word
relationship
show examples
 between the
risk
 which we
taken
Add the auxiliary verb
have taken
took
show examples
 and our achievement, bigger success
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 more
risk
.
Second
, from
psychological
Add an article
a psychological
show examples
 perspective, if people have the same activities in their daily routine, it would be possible to
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
show examples
 the
risk
 of depression between them.
Finally
, having great desire is the gift feature, so If
ones
Correct pronoun usage
one
show examples
 wanted more job salary and job prospect, it would not happen without
hard working
Add a hyphen
hard-working
show examples
 and taking the
risk
. To conclude, there is a couple of idea about working place, it seems to me that there is not any positive point for having a career in one specific company for many years.
Submitted by aminpost on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: