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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that money is the major source of happiness in life. do you strongly agree or disagree?

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Money
Use synonyms
 is indeed a crucial source of
happiness
Use synonyms
. But
this
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 being said it comes in with major pitfalls as well.
Hence
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, I disagree with the fact that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
money
Use synonyms
 plays a major role in giving
happiness
Use synonyms
 in life.
This
Linking Words
 essay will highlight the reasons behind my disagreement. To commence with,
firstly
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, on the verge of earning more
money
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 people tend to work for longer hours in
office
Add an article
the office
show examples
.
As a result
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, he ends up spending less
time
Use synonyms
 with his family and friends. Even though
money
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 needs are satisfied, the relationship needs
fails
Change the verb form
fail
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 to get satisfied.
For instance
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, IT
employees
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 these days prefer to stay near their offices as they live in a village. Though, they earn a good income they fail to spend
the
Correct article usage
apply
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precious
time
Use synonyms
 with their family.
Hence
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, it is not just the
money
Use synonyms
which
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 makes a person happy, it is
also
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 the
time
Use synonyms
 with people and loved ones around him.
This
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 cannot be fulfilled by
money
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.
On the other hand
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, due to immense stress and
pressure
Add a comma
,pressure
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 the
employees
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 tend to get mental sickness.
For example
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, the
employees
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 working in major MNCs are constantly put under deadlines.
This
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 in turn makes the
employees
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 depressed.
Although
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, there will be a performance bonus for the
hard-work
Correct your spelling
hard work
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 the mental health is at a loss. Eventually, the employee loses
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
happiness
Use synonyms
. To conclude, various other factors like spending
time
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 with families and having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good mental health play a crucial role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
Use synonyms
happiness
Add an article
the happiness
show examples
 of a person.
Hence
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,
money
Use synonyms
 is not the only factor that keeps a person happy.

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