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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graphs below show the enrolments of overseas students and local students in Australian universities over a ten year period. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graphs below show the enrolments of overseas students and local students in Australian universities over a ten year period. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#graphs #show #enrolments #students #australian #universities #ten #year #period #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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The graphs illustrate the numbers of foreign and native
students
Use synonyms
 who attended universities in Australia between 2001 and 2010, separating the information into total and commencing. At a first glance,
although
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of enrolled overseas
students
Use synonyms
 has markedly increased, the Australian
students
Use synonyms
' figures are much higher over the 10-year period.
According to
Linking Words
 the first graph, in 2001, approximately 12,000
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
commencing non-Australians had registered with the universities,
while
Linking Words
 the total
number
Use synonyms
 was 20,000. Afterwards, the popularity of studying in Australia
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
dramatically increased and reached
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 peak
at
Change preposition
of
show examples
 over 80,000
students
Use synonyms
 in 2010,
while
Linking Words
 commencement had moderately increased over nine years.
Finally
Linking Words
, it began to slowly climb in the
last
Linking Words
 year of the period. Compared with the
second
Linking Words
 graph, the total
number
Use synonyms
 of local
students
Use synonyms
 in 2001 was 2 times higher than that of foreigners, which was 40,000.
In addition
Linking Words
, it significantly went up to over 80,000
students
Use synonyms
 in the
next
Linking Words
 7 years, before remaining flat in the
last
Linking Words
 4 years.
However
Linking Words
, the
number
Use synonyms
 of commencing
students
Use synonyms
 immediately jumped in the first year, from around 19,000 to 22,000
students
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, there was a fluctuation over the following period and it never got higher than in 2002 or dipped lower than in 2001.
Submitted by khaopun13 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, number with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graphs" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "numbers of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "went up" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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