IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

Topic: Some people believe that children's time outside of school should be filled with scheduled activities such as art and music classes and sports. Others feel that children need free time to play and relax. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#topic #people #children #time #school #activities #art #music #classes #sports
Some people believe that
children
's have the capacity to learn a lot when they are young, that's the reason for many parents consider to subscribe them in many extra scholar
activities
.
On the other
hand
Add a comma
,hand
show examples
 some
other
Correct pronoun usage
others
show examples
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 that the kids need to have free time to play and relax. It
is well know
Change the verb form
is well known
show examples
 that the greatest artist(
musician
Fix the agreement mistake
musicians
show examples
, dancers, singers) or
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 championships started since they were
children
. These professional people developed their skills since they were very young.
Additionally
, the
children
 that practice extra artistic
activities
 allow them to develop more their brains
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and make more neurons
conexions
Correct your spelling
connexions
connections
.
In contrast
, if the
children
 have an excess of extra
activities
, it could provoke stress and anxiety in
children
.
For example
, in
Japan
Add a comma
,Japan
show examples
 there are the most known cases
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
children
 suicide
as a result
, the excess of extra
activities
 and parents' pressure. My opinion is to have an equilibrium not so many extra
activities
, and not be lazy time. Getting a profit that the
children
 have more
cappacity
Correct your spelling
capacity
 to learn easily can allow
to do
Change the verb form
doing
show examples
 some extra
activities
, depending on the child's interest, that can be an artistic activity or sports activity. As a parent, I have to be aware of the interest and abilities of the child.
Furthermore
 leave some free time to play freely, allow the child to be happy and relax.
Submitted by salmaraz on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: