IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Topic: Many children these days have an unhealthy lifestyle. Both schools and parents are responsible for solving this problem. To what extend do you agree with this statement?

#topic #children #lifestyle #schools #parents
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Nowadays we can find many
children
Use synonyms
 with many health problems because of their lifestyle. In
fact
Add a comma
,fact
show examples
 some countries like Mexico have the worst indicators on
children
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 with diabetes illness and extra weight. On one hand, we can see that the
children
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 prefer watching television or playing video games
than
Change preposition
to
show examples
go
Wrong verb form
going
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 out and playing outside or doing some sports.
On the other hand
Linking Words
 in some crowed cities is
difficutl
Correct your spelling
difficult
 to find green areas or playgrounds available for childrens' recreation. Another reason is easier for
children
Use synonyms
 to find and to buy unhealthy food
instead
Linking Words
 of
healthy
Add an article
a healthy
the healthy
show examples
 one. To solve the problem is needed that the
parents
Use synonyms
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
be
consciuos
Correct your spelling
conscious
 about their
children
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 and
also
Linking Words
 be more involucrated with the
children
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's
interest
Fix the agreement mistake
interests
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. Most of the
parents
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 work both of them and let the nursery to another person.
However
Linking Words
, the
freetime
Correct your spelling
free time
 that they have they can spend with their
children
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, doing recreative activities and trying to eat healthy in
family
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the family
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.
Linking Words
Furthermore
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,Furthermore
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 the schools are not responsible
of
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for
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lifestyle
Add an article
the lifestyle
a lifestyle
show examples
 of
children
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, but they can make some politics to help
parents
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,
for
Linking Words
example
Add the comma(s)
,example
show examples
 to avoid
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 vending machines with junk food. But the reality is that
this
Linking Words
 kind of
machines
Fix the agreement mistake
machine
show examples
 represents
incomes
Fix the agreement mistake
income
show examples
 to the schools most of the time and,
this
Linking Words
 type of politics are difficult to establish.
As
Change preposition
In
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a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
conclusion, a healthy lifestyle begins at home, so the
parents
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 have to start with themselves, and
then
Linking Words
 with their
children
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. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the
children
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 learn everything from their
parents
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. If the
parents
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 are used to
eat
Wrong verb form
eating
show examples
 junk food,
watched
Wrong verb form
watching
show examples
 television all
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
day, don't do
excersice
Correct your spelling
exercise
, their
children
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 will be similar.
In
Linking Words
contrast
Add a comma
,contrast
show examples
 if the
parents
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 are healthy eaters, very active people,
consenquently
Correct your spelling
consequently
 the
children
Use synonyms
 will be.
Submitted by salmaraz on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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