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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that spending time to develop a successful career is the most important thing. Others say that spending time with friends and family is more important. Discuss both the view and give your opinion.

These days, humans are constantly striving for their success by doing a plethora of activities that could fuel
this
Linking Words
 journey.
Moreover
Linking Words
, many consider it to be the best thing and suggest that one should always struggle so that
he
Correct pronoun usage
one
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 can succeed in his work.
However
Linking Words
, many contradict the given statement and say that family and friends should be given higher significance. In my opinion, I consider both are equally significant because there has to be a balance between them
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 if either of them falls short
life
Punctuation problem
, life
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 turns out unpredictable and could have devastating consequences.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the foremost reason why a career has to be given consideration is
it
Correct word choice
that it
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 allows people to earn more and have a better standard of living.
Thereafter
Linking Words
, it enables humans to be able to make decisions as they would not be required to
be worried
Wrong verb form
worry
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 about lower income.
As a result
Linking Words
, there are potential chances for them to live happily without a constant urge
for finding
Change preposition
to find
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 better work.
For example
Linking Words
, a friend of mine who
immensely worked
Correct word order
worked immensely
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 in his job
many
Change preposition
for many
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 years is now living his life happily as he was promoted to
manager
Correct article usage
a manager
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 role because of his valuable contribution to the company. So, working towards achieving a goal has its benefits.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, citizens struggle ultimately for the well-being of their family, and if enough time is not allocated in creating valuable memories with
them
Punctuation problem
them,
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 it makes no sense for constant dedication towards a career.
Firstly
Linking Words
, a person must make sure that friends and family are enjoying their life to the fullest, and if he fails to
assure
Verb problem
ensure
show examples
it
Punctuation problem
it,
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 there is no meaning for his efforts. To illustrate it
further
Linking Words
, a friend of mine who earned crores of rupees could not make his parents happy by spending time with them and
considered
Correct pronoun usage
he considered
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money
Correct word choice
that money
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 would let them have the pleasure
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is not the case. So, no amount of money would weigh the same as the memories with our loved ones. In conclusion, no matter how hard an individual puts his efforts into the
work
Punctuation problem
work,
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 if his loved ones
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
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 enjoy its fruits there is no value in building a cherishable career
even
Punctuation problem
, even
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 though it pays immensely.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Try to make your main points clearer. This will help the reader understand your ideas better.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to link your ideas well between paragraphs. Use phrases like 'to sum up' or 'in other words' to connect your thoughts.
Task Achievement
Make your opinion clearer in the introduction to guide the reader about your views.
Task Achievement
Provide more clear examples that directly support your main points. This will make your argument stronger.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion that outline your thoughts on the topic.
Task Achievement
You used real-life examples to explain your points, which makes your arguments relatable.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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