IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some people believe that it is a good idea that older people continue to work if it is possible for them to do. Do you agree or disagree ?

#people #idea #work
It is believed by some that continuing to work after getting retired could be a positive choice for a number of elderly
people
, as long as it is possible for them. I tend to agree with
this
 argument and I will explain more details in the following essay. On the one hand, elderly
people
 might find it thrilling to pursue their occupation after retirement. Spending most of their
time
 at home, they might experience a feeling of being useless
as well as
 becoming depressed.
As a result
 of
this
 feeling, they might find it difficult to interact with their family and friends. To illustrate, my grandfather, who was a manager of a huge and renowned company, didn't communicate with us and spent most of the
time
 in his room after retirement.
On the other hand
, being retired, older
people
 have the chance to relax and do their favourite activities which they didn't have the
time
 to do as an employee.
For instance
, they can read more books and spend most of their
time
 with their relatives. Thanks to retirement, they have more
time
 to enjoy their friends' company.
Moreover
, as we are all aware, older
people
 should have a healthy lifestyle, which is challenging to perform
while
 they continue to work.
To sum up
, pursuing one's occupation is considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
an excellent choice for
people
 who have the potential and
also
 interest. I feel that continuing to work regardless of one's age could be a good decision;
however
,
this
 is as long as the elderly
people
be
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 aware of their physical and mental abilities.
Submitted by sepidehmehrpour on

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task response
In the introduction, clearly state your opinion and provide a roadmap of your essay to enhance task response.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph is linked logically to the next to improve coherence and cohesion. Consider using transition words to create smooth connections between ideas.

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