The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, there has been
rise
Add an article
a rise
show examples
in reports of
health
issues in younger generations. There is a raised concern that many of these are due to
growing
Add an article
the growing
a growing
show examples
number of overweight people. These
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
result in affecting the countries
health
care system. I strongly believe that the major reason behind
this
is lack of physical activity in day to day life.
Also
, to some
extent
Add a comma
,extent
show examples
these are results of modernisation. One of the sole
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
behind
growth
Add an article
the growth
show examples
in
obessity
Correct your spelling
obesity
is that there has been
increasingly
Correct article usage
an increasingly
show examples
high dependency on technology in everything.
For instance
, no one walks to work or school or
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
grocery shopping. Even for the smallest need
in
Add a hyphen
in-home
show examples
home
Add an article
a home
the home
show examples
, there is now artificial intelligence which makes life easier but at the same time restricts body movement.
In addition
to
these
Add a comma
,these
show examples
the eating habits and lifestyles are becoming more complex and unhealthy to meet with the
fast paced
Add a hyphen
fast-paced
show examples
routine. In order to curb these challenges, there is an upsurge need to educate about the importance of exercise and fitness. I strongly believe that schools are the foundation pillar for building one's character.
Thus
, imparting knowledge on increasing stamina and living a healthy life should be part of the school curriculum. To achieve
this
, teaching institutions should focus more on sports along with other subjects. In my conclusion, to reduce the
health
realted
Correct your spelling
related
risk due to weight gain and to put
lesser
Add an article
a lesser
show examples
strain on
health
care systems,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education on
such
diseases and remediation measures should be taught at an early age. To end the
agrument
Correct your spelling
argument
with
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
of my assessment of the situation, more emphasis should be provided on physical lessons in schools.
Submitted by jay.becl on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity rates
  • health care system
  • physical education
  • instill
  • long term
  • raise awareness
  • healthier lifestyle choices
  • nutritional education
  • active transport
  • quality of instruction
  • facilities and equipment
  • diet control initiatives
  • community sports programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: