Some people say music is a good way of bringing people of different culture and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree
According to
some, music
helps to bring people
together from different parts of the world
, different ages, and cultures. I agree with this
suggestion. This
essay will argue that at concerts and in clubs
, most people
tend to be more friendly and cohesive and fan clubs
of world
-famous celebrities also
help people
to find new friends.
At concerts of famous singers and in clubs
, thousands of people
merge with the crowd and the music
and forget about all the barriers, they become one and the same. In
my ,university we have a lot of international students and ,usually at the ,beginning they feel like strangers. Change preposition
At
However
, after the big party “student initiation” they forget about all the barriers and make many new friends. This
shows that people
need to relax in order to open up and become closer.
Also
, people
are united by love for a certain artist or genre. Like-minded people
from all over the world
unite in fan clubs
and communities to follow and discuss all events together. Currently, the K-pop genre is one of the most popular in the world
, it has millions of fans around the world
who unite, arrange online and offline meetings and enjoy spending time together despite nationality and age. This
proves that many people
do not care about interethnic conflicts, their common passion is more important to them.
In conclusion, music
and everything connected with it can be a good tool for communicating with as many different communities as possible. Because when people
understand that a person thinks like them and likes the same melody, they do not pay attention to his nationality, appearance, gender, and age. That's how the piece of music
breaks down barriers.Submitted by tatianaraysan2002 on
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coherence cohesion
Provide clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to improve the logical structure.
task achievement
Consider providing more detailed examples to support the main points.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
Linking words are very important in your essay.
To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.
Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.
In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.
Linking word examples:
- firstly
- secondly
- thirdly
- in additional
- moreover
- also
- for example
- for instance
- therefore
- however
- although
- even though
- despite