Some people say music is a good way of bringing people of different culture and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree

According to
some,
music
helps to bring
people
together from different parts of the
world
, different ages, and cultures. I agree with
this
suggestion.
This
essay will argue that at concerts and in
clubs
, most
people
tend to be more friendly and cohesive and fan
clubs
of
world
-famous celebrities
also
help
people
to find new friends. At concerts of famous singers and in
clubs
, thousands of
people
merge with the crowd and the
music
and forget about all the barriers, they become one and the same.
In
Change preposition
At
show examples
my ,university we have a lot of international students and ,usually at the ,beginning they feel like strangers.
However
, after the big party “student initiation” they forget about all the barriers and make many new friends.
This
shows that
people
need to relax in order to open up and become closer.
Also
,
people
are united by love for a certain artist or genre. Like-minded
people
from all over the
world
unite in fan
clubs
and communities to follow and discuss all events together. Currently, the K-pop genre is one of the most popular in the
world
, it has millions of fans around the
world
who unite, arrange online and offline meetings and enjoy spending time together despite nationality and age.
This
proves that many
people
do not care about interethnic conflicts, their common passion is more important to them. In conclusion,
music
and everything connected with it can be a good tool for communicating with as many different communities as possible. Because when
people
understand that a person thinks like them and likes the same melody, they do not pay attention to his nationality, appearance, gender, and age. That's how the piece of
music
breaks down barriers.
Submitted by tatianaraysan2002 on

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coherence cohesion
Provide clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to improve the logical structure.
task achievement
Consider providing more detailed examples to support the main points.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural diversity
  • harmony
  • integration
  • bridging gaps
  • foster
  • ignite
  • embrace
  • communicate
  • celebrate
  • appreciate
  • inclusivity
  • universal language
  • emotional resonance
  • shared experiences
  • intercultural dialogue
  • intergenerational connections
  • cultural exchange
  • catalyst
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