IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that celebrating personal events is a waste of money. Others feel that these celebrations play an important role in the lives of individuals and in society as a whole. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #events #waste #money #celebrations #role #lives #individuals #society
Celebrating personal occasions
such
 as birthdays and marriage anniversaries are just a waste of
money
 some
people
 claim, others,
however
, consider
such
 occasions do have both personal and social advantages. The way I see it myself
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is that it has a positive impact on persons and on societies. On one hand , the opponents defend their proposition by pointing out families priorities since there are bills
had
Correct pronoun usage
that had
show examples
 to be paid starting with the hydro and
electricitiy
Correct your spelling
electricity
 and not ending with children's college fees.
Thus
 , it does not make sense to spend more
money
 on a birthday party or an anniversary while there are more essential financial demands had to be accomplished.
Furthermore
, life is becoming more demandable and everybody had to save some
money
 for retirement , as they pretend.
On the other hand
 , many
people
 ,
however
, have a totally different point of view where every person has the right to enjoy a cheerful break away from the stress of long working hours ,
also
 to get rid of the daily boring routine. Eventually, these individuals are going
be
Fix the infinitive
to be
show examples
 more focused on their job resulting in increasing productivity
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the end. So,
such
 parties boost
people
's professional life and
this
in turn
Add the comma(s)
, in turn,
show examples
 reflects positively on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society in general. A European study showed that cheerful events held either at home or at
workplace
Correct article usage
the workplace
show examples
 have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
remarkablly
Correct your spelling
remarkably
remarkable
 positive health consequences and on individuals' productivity and punctuality. To sum up,
although
 it might be considered by some
people
 to be an unreasonable way to spend
money
, celebrating personal occasions have many positive outcomes it
improve
Change the verb form
improves
show examples
 individual's professional skills
eventuallly
Correct your spelling
eventually
 contribute to social prosperity.
Submitted by mkhmd68 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: