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Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which cause many health problems. Sugar products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree ?

#food #drink #products #level #sugar #health #people
Nowadays,
people
 face
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
numerous
health
 problems due to
enormous
Correct article usage
the enormous
show examples
 consumption of high
sugar
 foods and drinks.
Therefore
, some individuals believe that increasing
price
Correct article usage
the price
show examples
 of products
which
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 contain
sugar
 can reduce the number of sweet tooth consumers. In my opinion, I disagree with
this
 statement because
money
 is not the key solution while education is the better answer.
First
 of all,
rising
Add an article
the rising
show examples
 price of products cannot be lessened the number of
people
 consuming
inappropriate
Add an article
the inappropriate
an inappropriate
show examples
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of
sugar
 because
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 target communities do not face
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
any financial situations. They have enough
money
 to afford whatever they desire without even thinking twice
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 its value. To illustrate, in Thailand, almost of patients facing
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
health
 problems from overeating
sugar
 come from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
rich or the
middle class
Add a hyphen
middle-class
show examples
 family
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 are not
concerning
Wrong verb form
concerned
show examples
 about spending
money
.
Therefore
,
this
 method cannot solve
this
 issue.
Besides
, it will bring more drawbacks to the poor who are not the main purpose.
Moreover
, in order to achieve the goal, it is necessary to provide enough essential information about how hazardous of
consuming
Wrong verb form
consume
show examples
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of
sugar
 to the community. When
people
aware
Add a missing verb
are aware
show examples
 of the disadvantages on their own, they will lower the frequency of consuming the desserts.
This
 behaviour
changing
Replace the word
change
show examples
 can improve their healthy lifestyle little by little and in the
end
Add a comma
,end
show examples
 it will be an effective and sustainable solution for
this
 matter.
Therefore
, giving accurate and appropriate
health
 knowledge is better than multiplying the cost. In conclusion,
personally
Add a comma
,personally
show examples
 I believe that increasing the cost of
sugar
 products cannot be the answer for
this
 matter because
people
 tend to less consider
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
money
 more than they desire.
Therefore
, the effective way is
teaching
Change the verb form
to teach
show examples
 them to
aware
Add a missing verb
be aware
show examples
 of their
health
 problems.
Submitted by Varaiphand on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar consumption
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • encourage
  • expensive
  • reduce
  • effectively
  • discourage
  • tight budget
  • purchasing
  • disproportionately
  • lower-income individuals
  • healthier food choices
  • demand
  • regardless
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