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Band 6

Although countries with long average working hours are economically successful, this often has some negative social consequences. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#countries #hours #consequences
In some countries, even though employees who spend
longer
Replace the word
long
show examples
hours
 at a job than normal, can bring economic
succeed
Replace the word
success
show examples
, It could lead to social with negative results. I strongly agree with
this
 point of view, as
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that
people
 must have better work and
life
 balance, while they should spend some
time
 for
life
 enjoyment.
First
 of all,
Add a hyphen
working-age
show examples
working
Correct article usage
the working
show examples
 age group must create balance for their career and living as they always struggle with work pressure. Having appropriate job
hours
 can bring many benefits rather than high economic achievement
such
 as
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
 health situation, and strong family engagement. Japanese
people
,
for example
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are always working for more than 12
hours
 per day which could lead them
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
 fatigue and other related mental depression. In 2015, it accounted for over 1 million
people
 diagnosed with
certain
Add an article
a certain
show examples
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of mental
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most of them have no kid or even doublet.
Therefore
,
although
 it appears that longer working
hours
 can follow wealth and fortune to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, employers must provide a good working environment
which
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 is suitable for working
their
Change preposition
at their
show examples
 own pace.
Furthermore
, spending
time
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 amusements that they enjoy give
a
Correct pronoun usage
them a
show examples
chance to live in present.
This
 is because relaxation and satisfaction are
essential
Add an article
an essential
show examples
part
Fix the agreement mistake
parts
show examples
 of
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
 to feel that we can breathe and move
such
 as a hobby or free activities. Without those leisure
time
 which allows us to think freshly,
for example
,
people
 tend to feel stuck in tasks right behind their job desk or just snuggling sofa with deep tiredness after long working
hours
. While there is no question about
value
Add an article
the value
show examples
 of high financial achievements, it is clear that we,
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
, should sell our times for some
life
 happiness to possibly feel
life
. In conclusion, It is illogical to say not to work long
hours
 to get succeed in finance, to suggest that organizing
time
 properly for both
life
 and career,
also
 for some
life
 comfort. I recommend that not
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
pursue economic success without low
life
 quality and consume
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
time
 for yourself.
Submitted by khaliunjargal.g on

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Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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