IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

More and more women go out to work. It is the government's responsibility to subsidise them and provide free staffs and facilities to care for children. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this idea?

#women #work #government& #responsibility #subsidise #staffs #facilities #care #children #idea
Nowadays, having an occupation for females is no more a
bizzare
Correct your spelling
bizarre
 point of view.
Therefore
, the government should take into account an opinion about the construction of buildings and a system where children could spend some time. In my opinion, I agree that the community must be accomplished with facilities due to the fact that some families have difficulty with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
financial resources.
However
, I disagree with the point about the free
staff
Correct your spelling
stuff
show examples
. Personally, I think that the more option will be provided, the more attitudes will be discovered. Certainly, in modern life,no one wants to be an outdated person.
Moreover
, everybody searches as many convenient variants in order to cover all planned deals during the day.
For example
, our country still has parents with no finance to go to the private educational centres. Whereas, as far as I know,state facilities take
rather
Change the article
rather a
a rather
show examples
 low cost compared with private. For that reason, the government`s duty is to give a chance to
work
 for mothers even if they lack money.
Nonetheless
, I have strong controversy to the point that the
staff
 should be free as it leads the gaps in quality and disrespecting others
work
.
For instance
, if the
staff
 have been taken
only
Add an article
an only
show examples
 salary from the government,
consequently
, parents might not have been
appreciate
Change the verb form
appreciating
appreciated
show examples
 done
work
, indeed.
Furthermore
,
from
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the part of the
staff
,
also
, could be some faults because of
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of understanding. To conclude,
that is
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obvious thing that more entertaining or educational buildings could significantly ease and change the
life
Replace the word
lives
show examples
 of busy mothers. But,
every one
Replace the word
everyone
show examples
 should keep in their mind that every
work
 done by
person
Add an article
a person
the person
show examples
 must be valued.
Submitted by shamshyrakzhanibekova on

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