IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that school and government should take responsibility to transport children to school. While some people think that parents should get children to school. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Commuting to
school
Use synonyms
 safely is an important and everyday activity for each family.
Therefore
Linking Words
, there are different ideas about who,
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
, educational institutes or
parents
Use synonyms
, is responsible for
this
Linking Words
 activity. As far as I am concerned, it is flexible
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 both sides should take the obligation. In
regards
Fix the agreement mistake
regard
show examples
 to
government
Use synonyms
 and
schools
Use synonyms
, they have a responsibility to ensure the safety of
school
Use synonyms
 commuting. Undoubtedly, a
school
Use synonyms
 bus filled with pupils and trusted teachers is much safer than other public transports
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 are full of strangers with potential dangers.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 welfare is
also
Linking Words
 beneficial to
parents
Use synonyms
 who are occupied
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 daily work. The
school
Use synonyms
 transport
release
Fix the agreement mistake
releases
show examples
 sufficient time for them to commute to their workplace as they don’t need to take
children
Use synonyms
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
school
Use synonyms
 transport is
environmental-friendly
Replace the word
environmentally friendly
show examples
, punctual and efficient. It is relatively easy to implement by local institutes.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, some people believe that taking
children
Use synonyms
 to
school
Use synonyms
 is a family duty for
Use synonyms
parents
Punctuation problem
parents,
show examples
 as it is a part of education. As some experts stated, the
communicating
Replace the word
communication
show examples
 time between
parents
Use synonyms
 and
children
Use synonyms
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 less in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent
decade
Fix the agreement mistake
decades
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 the
timing
Replace the word
time
show examples
 for
school
Use synonyms
 commuting is a good opportunity to hold a family chat. For
parents
Use synonyms
, they can get
along with
Linking Words
 their
children
Use synonyms
 and learn what happened in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, since students reside in different places of the city, especially in metropolises, the
government
Use synonyms
 or
school
Use synonyms
 must design various routes to fulfil the needs of the majority of
children
Use synonyms
. It will inevitably cost a lot. The cost may be better to invest in improving educational facilities and quality. In summary, I think both could be applied.
Government
Use synonyms
 and
schools
Use synonyms
 can develop some routes to meet the demand of major younger generation
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
travelling
Verb problem
travel
show examples
 to
school
Use synonyms
 safely. Simultaneously,
parents
Use synonyms
 are flexible in taking their
children
Use synonyms
 to
school
Use synonyms
 if they have a more convenient solution.

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task response
Task response: The essay states both sides and has a view, but be clearer on who should lead. Add a strong direct answer in the opening.
coherence
Coherence: Use clear links between ideas. Add a topic sentence for each paragraph and simple signs like first, next, also, but, however.
coherence
Cohesion: Shorten long sentences and use pronouns to tie ideas with each other. Keep a smooth flow from one idea to the next.
grammar
Lexis/grammar: Some word choice is not right. For example, 'environmental-friendly' should be 'environmentally friendly'. Check plural and verb form.
structure
Structure is clear: there is an introduction, body and a conclusion.
task response
The piece gives both sides and the writer's view.
content
Some good examples are used, such as school bus safety and time saved for parents.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • school
  • government
  • parents
  • children
  • transport
  • bus
  • walk
  • cycle
  • car
  • route
  • distance
  • safety
  • cost
  • money
  • support
  • equal
  • need
  • plan
  • policy
  • program
  • option
  • independence
  • attendance
  • access
  • safety
What to do next:
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