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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

#cultures #children #message
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Endeavor
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Endeavour
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 is the golden key to
success
. In some countries,
children
 might receive the
message
 that if they try hard, their efforts will
finally
 pay off and help them achieve their goals.
This
 approach has both upsides and downsides, which will be examined in
this
 essay. On the positive side, telling
children
 that they can achieve anything with hard work can lead to
success
 in their future lives. It can
instill
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instil
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 a belief in their talents and abilities, motivating them to work hard to reach their dreams.
For example
, a survey conducted among the top students of a prestigious university in Iran revealed that most of them believed as
children
 that anything is achievable through effort, and
this
 belief was the key to their academic
success
.
Additionally
,
this
 powerful
message
 can make
children
 more resilient in the face of problems. They become more tolerant of setbacks, thinking they can overcome challenges by trying hard.
As a result
, they are likely to think outside the box and come up with innovative solutions
instead
 of giving up.
However
, there are
also
 drawbacks to
this
message
.
Children
 may sacrifice their enjoyable childhood moments by constantly striving to improve their skills to achieve their goals. A well-known psychologist expressed that
this
 can isolate them and hinder their social development.
Moreover
, the belief that hard work guarantees
success
 can sometimes lead to disappointment. Some
children
 may try hard but fail
due to
 a lack of understanding of their abilities or external circumstances. Given their mental vulnerability,
this
 can result in depression, anxiety, and stress. In conclusion,
while
 telling
children
 that they can achieve anything if they try hard can help them become successful and resilient, it can
also
 lead to social isolation and mental health issues. It is crucial to balance
this
message
 with realistic expectations and support.
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task achievement
You have addressed all aspects of the task, providing a balanced discussion of both the advantages and disadvantages of telling children that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. To further improve, consider adding more varied examples to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is clear and logical, with a well-defined structure. Each paragraph has a clear main idea and flows well into the next. To enhance cohesion, use a broader range of linking words and phrases to show the relationships between ideas more explicitly.
coherence cohesion
You have a strong introduction and conclusion that effectively frame your discussion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure, and each paragraph supports your main points well.
task achievement
Your use of specific examples, like the survey conducted among top students, adds credibility to your arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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