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Band 4.5

It is sometimes thought that people who travel outside of their own country are more tolerant and understanding of others. To what extent do you agree?

#people #travel #country
It is a common belief that
people
 travelling outside of their own
country
 are less tolerant and understanding of
others
.
However
, I firmly believe that travelling outside would make us more tolerant and understanding of
others
.
To begin
 with, lots of
people
 are inclined towards the fact that studying
aboard
Rephrase
abroad
show examples
 or travelling outside
own
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
will make
people
 more confident in talking or interacting with other
people
.
This
 is because when we travel outside, we’ll have a new
life
. We talk in a new language, meet new
people
, do new work. It takes us to a new
life
 and we have to live independently. Travelling outside
also
lead
Change the verb form
leads
show examples
 us to a
life
 with a foreigner. Meet more
people
, we’ll have more ideas about the stories that will make us more tolerant and understanding of
others
. On top of that, living in another
country
 will
make
Verb problem
give
show examples
 us a new
life
. Talking with new
people
,
working
Correct word choice
and working
show examples
 in a new atmosphere will
lead
Verb problem
make
show examples
 us more tolerant. It is easy to know that when we meet more
people
 or listen to lots of ideas will make us know lots of
others
. There are many parents in the world who try their best to let their kids go abroad to have a new
life
. It
also
 means that there are many
people
 who agree with the statement living in another
country
 will have a better
life
.
To sum up
, travelling outside of their own
country
 will lead
people
 to a more tolerant and understanding of
others
life
. For these reasons, I strongly believe living in other countries will be more tolerant and understanding of
others
.
Submitted by tonykim09 on

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task response
Ensure that all parts of the essay directly relate to the prompt and develop a clear argument supporting the main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Organize the essay in a more structured manner with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Use appropriate linking words to improve coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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